Awareness

     It's into the early hours of the morning and I am sitting here staring at my hands.  I don't know what drew my attention to them at this moment, but I find myself fascinated by the fine detail in the skin and the shape of each finger.  As I watch my fingers play across the keyboard, I am struck by the deftness of their movements.  They have a precise yet fluid dexterity to them.  I suppose, most of the time I don't pay attention to my hands all that much.  I am more focused on what I can do with them.  And yet, they are an extension of me.  In the soft light from the computer, I can see myself in them.  The cracks in the skin are a reflection of my years out in the sun riding my bike.  The muscles in each finger are a testament to the time I've spent playing the piano.  The silvery band of metal on my left ring finger is a physical symbol of my status as a family man.  My hands tell a story of who I am and the things I value in life.

     My choices in life have literally shaped me.  My hands are just one example.  Thinking about that makes me ponder my sense of self and the kind of person I am.  I often find myself frustrated with life right now.  And yet, it's my life.  The choices I have made have brought me to where I am.  That makes things easier to accept I guess.  Life is still hard, but I chose this path I am on.  Even my broken neck was a result of the choices I've made.  
     I wonder about the choices I am making now and where they will take me.  What will my life look like in ten years?  They say that who you are is defined by what you do.  So I write.  I coach.  I teach.  I parent.  Does that make me all those things?  As frustrated as I sometimes get with the pace of life, I think I am satisfied with the direction.  If what you do defines who you are, then I am doing what I want to be doing.  In ten years I wonder if my hands will look like the hands of a writer? 

     In the last several months I've been learning about photography.  I've always wanted to know how to use a camera beyond the basics of point and shoot.  Now seems like as good a time as any to pursue it.  I've needed some sort of hobby since I stopped cycling.  Plus, photography fulfills my need to be creative.  I had a friend help me with some of the basics like F-stop, ISO, and shutter speed.  Everything seems different when looking through the lens of a camera.  Things that are familiar are suddenly fascinating and new.  It's amazing what a little change in perspective and awareness can have on the world around you.  

Flowers outside my apartment

     In many ways I feel like a kid again when I am taking pictures.  It's like I am seeing the world with that same magic and wonder I had before I grew up.  I think the years of being focused and responsible have taken their toll.  I always swore I would never lose that carefree quality.  And yet, here I am - old and boring.  That may not be entirely true of course.  But, it sure feels like it sometimes.  Whenever I feel like that, I find myself needing to do something to recapture a sense of that youthful ignorance.  Perhaps that is why I am up right now at 2:20 in the morning writing this.  It's not because I have this urgent need to share my thoughts.  But, I think it comes from a need to express myself.  Consequences be damned.  I know I will pay for staying up so late in the morning, but I don't care.  Writing this gives me a way to express myself.  In the end, I am not writing this for anyone else.  I am writing it for me.

 
   
     I am trying to use my time now to work on the development of various projects.  For example, photography is something that I want to develop and get better at.  Teaching Chloe piano is a long term project to give her skill and passion for music.  I am hoping to see the athletes that I coach develop into professionals.  There is also writing.  Besides this blog I am working steadily away on various other projects.  If I didn't have all these things to work on I think I would go crazy.  Taking care of the boring mundane details in life - like washing dishes and paying bills - isn't exactly fulfilling.  In ten years I want to have something to show for the years that have passed.  I am reminded of that quote by Earl Nightingale. "Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it.  The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use."

The great blue Pacific

       
     I suppose my greatest challenge right now is ... well - to appreciate right now.  As much as I am always trying to move forward, I sometimes forget to fully engage in the present.  I get so wrapped up in the future that I lose sight of right now.  One of the things I like about photography is that it heightens my awareness of the world around me.  In doing so, it pulls me back to the present moment.  

Bougainvillea at the Carlsbad Flower Fields

     I suppose I will always struggle to find that balance between pushing towards the future but remaining grounded in the present.  What I should tell myself is Semper porro - memento vivere. Always forward - remember to live.  Hmm, I guess I'll have to work on that.