Once, when I was younger, my mom said to me that there was more potential to me than payoff. That comment has stuck with me ever since. I suppose there is truth in what my mom said, but it's a harsh truth. Another way of saying that would be that I haven't fully lived up to my potential. And why is that I wonder? Am I not hard working enough? Do I need to be smarter? The thing is, I don't feel like I've ever left anything on the table. I've always given everything I had to what I was doing. So what's held me back? Why haven't I accomplished more?
If I am being honest, my mom was right. I haven't really fulfilled my promise. It's tough admitting that, but I would rather deal with the truth than be unable to come to terms with reality. What's hard is that saying I am more potential than payoff makes it sound as if I am a failure. On one level I suppose I am. I never fully accomplished what I wanted in cycling. I had the potential for so much more. The thing that worries me now, is if that's somehow a measure of who I am. At times I wonder if I will ever fulfill my potential. What's past is past though and now I am focused on my new direction in life. I can't dwell on my failures as a cyclist. They don't help me now. If I am ever going to achieve the things I want in this next phase of life, I have to learn from my experiences and keep pushing forward
The truth is, my mothers statement just makes me more motivated. I feed off of difficult circumstances and doubt. The more the odds are stacked against me, the more motivated I am to prove everyone wrong. I am like the little engine that could. I keep telling myself, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." While it was tough hearing my mom tell me I was more potential than payoff, it was good for me to hear. After all, what good is false encouragement? I would rather have the honest truth and face reality. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how I feel or what I think. What matters is what I do.
When it comes to cycling, I think why I never fully fulfilled my promise is because I had no idea what I was doing for many years. When I finally started to figure things out, I broke my neck. Ultimately, I was limited by what I didn't know. If I could go back and coach my fifteen year old self, I am sure things would be a lot different. I can't of course, so there is no point dwelling on what's past. All I can do at this point is move forward - make today better than yesterday. And work harder. I am more determined than ever to succeed. I still want to win the Tour de France. I want to be there on the streets of Paris and watch as one of my athletes flies down the cobbled streets of the Champs-Élysées in yellow. It's perhaps appropriate that the Champs-Élysées means Elysian Fields. If I get back there, it's because I've worked for it.
I know I have a lot of potential. My mom poured hundreds upon thousands of hours into me so that I would have the tools I need to be successful. To a certain extent, I think my mom was wondering if I would ever fulfill my promise. The thing I keep telling myself is that my payoff is still in the future. Her payoff is my success and as a parent, I can understand wanting to see your children succeed. The thing is though, I can't control when I will be successful, but as long as I keep moving forward I know that at some point I will be. So, on I go - relentless and determined. I know I am a better person now than I was when I was younger. I never wanted to be one of those people who hit their peak in high school. My wife and I always joke that we age well, like a fine wine or a stinky cheese (we can never decide which one we are - probably the stinky cheese though). Regardless, it's still going to be awhile before I hit my peak.
At the end of the day, talk is cheap. I write a lot about how determined I am to move forward. The real question is, what have I accomplished so far? Right now, one of my athletes - Bryan Larsen - is racing in Europe. Just being able to see him take that step means that he is further than I ever went. The other day I drove in support of one of my other athletes - Steven Davis - for some targeted training up Palomar Mountain. He set a Personal Record up the mountain - shaving eight minutes off his previous best time. My piano students keep getting better and better. Just this morning I had a lesson with one of my students and he is working on Gershwin's Prelude I, we are also working on a duet together, and he is working on writing his own music now. My daughter Chloe is humming along. I've been teaching her for six months now and she can play fairly complicated pieces in 6/8 time with syncopation. She has learned all her scales, she knows her chords and can use the pedal properly. She even has started writing her own music. Besides all that, I am still working away on my book. I am just about done with my second draft and will be onto the third draft pretty soon.
I may not have a lot to show for what I am working on, but I believe in what I am doing. It will probably take awhile to find the success I am looking for, but that's okay. I've set the bar pretty high. I have faith that as long as I keep working and pushing and dreaming I will fulfill my promise eventually. In the meantime though, I will just keep reminding myself, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." Semper Porro.
