Change is inevitable right? You either adapt to it, or stay rigid and let life change all around. I don't want to be like that though. When I look at who I was ten years ago, I can't help but shake my head a little. I suppose some people look back and laugh at the crazy experiences they had. I look back and laugh at how uptight I was. Oh well, you can't go back and change who you were. The only thing you can do is move forward. Luckily I think I am a little more evolved now. I like myself more (which took some doing). I think as much as anything I've learned to lighten up a little. I've changed as my life has changed. I've mostly changed begrudgingly though - because I had to. It's like life washed over me like a wave and forced me to be different. I'd like to anticipate what's coming a little bit better going forward. And, perhaps instead of changing because I've been put through the wash cycle, I would like to ride the wave as it comes along.
There's been so much change in my life this year I am finding it hard to process it all. To a certain degree I feel like I am finally caught in life's current and am being pushed along in the direction I want to be going. And yet, the magnitude of all the changes in the past two years leaves me feeling a bit breathless at times. Occasionally I feel anxiety creep in and my mind will start to run in circles. Am I ready for these changes? Can I manage them? Is it possible to move forward and change and grow, but still hold onto the person you were? I am almost 30 and am laying the foundation for what I want to do for the rest of my life. I am excited about the direction I am going in, but it's scary. I think the thing that worries me the most is if I end up exactly where I aimed for. Part of the magic of life is the unexpected right? And, what if I somehow miss what really matters because I am so focused on moving forward? It's like that Eagles song, "what do you do when your dreams come true, but it's not quite like you planned." I think probably the important thing is to keep growing. Up till now I've felt like I was somehow bigger than my own life. I felt caged in by the pace I was going. I could never get anywhere fast enough or do as much as I wanted to. This year has been so overwhelming though that I feel like I am trying desperately to keep up with all the changes. It's like moving into a bigger house and realizing your furniture doesn't fill the space. I keep telling myself that I can manage this. But, other times I wonder how it's all going to work out. I wonder, does anyone else feels like everything is hanging by a thread and it could all come undone at any moment? That's life I guess - always alternating between sheer boredom and utter chaos.
One of the things I wonder about it is what our lives add up to in the final analysis. When compared to the scale of the universe I can't help but think how insignificant we all are. From that perspective, shouldn't we try and seek out the best life possible? Enjoy every minute and grab hold of whatever bit of life that we can? Who dies happier, the person who lives a long steady life, or the person who burns brightly and expires quickly. I wish I knew the answer to that. The truth is, I envy those people who know how to live in the moment. I am always trying to do that, but I don't often feel that I succeed. When I add up all the things I have done in my life, I see a lot of accomplishments, but precious few experiences. I have to change that. That's not the balance I want. There has to both. After all, isn't that what Semper Porro is all about - self reflection and change? I've always lived with my eyes wide open, but now I think it's time to act on the things I see. I can't wait for life to come to me. I have to seek it out. And, if I am lucky enough to have a moment worth keeping come my way, I'll grab hold of it and enjoy every minute of it - because life is fleeting.
Every day I am amazed at how much better life gets as I go along. I am even more certain that what's coming will be better than what has come before. I have to believe that because the only direction in life is forward. There's no going backwards. As I move forward I am going to embrace what comes with open arms and stop holding myself back. Here's to new places, new people and new experiences. Semper Porro.
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| The road ahead... |
