"If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.
-Martin Luther King Jr.
It's funny, I've become so desensitized to beauty. We are inundated by it all the time. It's there on magazine covers and websites. Everything seems beautiful and fun. When I am browsing through Pinterest, most of the pictures are so amazing that it all starts to blur together. Pictures of the Grand Canyon at sunrise? Ho hum. The Greek Isles in all their turquoise and indigo glory! Meh. There could be a picture of the Gates of Paradise and I think I would barely notice it. The same goes for TV. There are so many gorgeous people on screen that it's hard to have some perspective. They walk and talk and act like normal people, but seriously - people who work in an ER are not all that good looking!
I am about to turn thirty and as I reflect back on my twenties I can't help feeling that I want more. I realize that means more of everything - good, bad, and in between. At times in life I've held myself back from things because I didn't know what the outcome might be. Now I am living more in the moment and am putting aside my ingrained limiters and imagined barriers. As I am pressing forward with new changes and challenges though, I must admit that I feel really unsettled. I feel very drained emotionally and unsure of myself. There is a part of me that wants things to be as simple and as safe as possible. I haven't ridden my bike in a year and a half. It's probably related to the fact that I have confronted the reality of how dangerous and tenuous life is. It's scary to think of how fragile our bodies really are. I keep pushing forward anyway, but I am struggling to reconcile the fact that what I want doesn't match up with what I feel. My own emotions seem to want to sabotage me and keep me from moving forward. Maybe that's okay though. Moving forward isn't supposed to feel good. It's scary and uncomfortable.
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| I was looking back at photos from after my accident and it brings back a flood of emotions. I am reminded of how raw that time period was and yet how conscious I was of wanting to move forward with my life. |
As I've gotten older, I think I've gotten better at appreciating all the varied experiences and circumstances that I've lived through. When I look back at some of the most difficult moments I've had to endure, I mostly feel appreciation. At the extreme, getting hit by a car and breaking my neck gave me perspective on what really matters. It gave me an appreciation for what I have and the preciousness of life. Even with that perspective though, I can't say that I am fully aware of life in all it's infinite beauty and scope. I still get nervous and worried about the difficulties of life. I am still scared about trying new things and pushing forward. But, I am more willing now to put those feelings aside and take chances. When I come to the end of my time on this planet, I want to feel satisfied that I lived my life as fully as possible. One of the things I've come to realize as I've gotten older is that it's not the things that I did wrong or failed in that I regret, it's the things that I never attempted that bother me. What always held me back in the past was fear. I think, if I could somehow do everything over again, I would be less afraid and more open to what comes my way.
The thing I am always telling myself is that I have to keep moving forward regardless of what obstacles or challenges I face. I am usually pretty good at that. But, it's still a struggle. When I look back at how far I've come in life though, I can say with certainty that the progress I've made has been worthwhile. The challenges I've faced haven't deterred me or diminished my desire to move forward. In fact, I would say difficulty has molded me and shaped me into who I am. It's given me perspective and resolve. Life isn't always beautiful. And that's okay because good without the bad isn't very good at all.
