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"If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.       

-Martin Luther King Jr.  

    It's funny, I've become so desensitized to beauty.  We are inundated by it all the time.  It's there on magazine covers and websites.  Everything seems beautiful and fun.  When I am browsing through Pinterest, most of the pictures are so amazing that it all starts to blur together.  Pictures of the Grand Canyon at sunrise?  Ho hum.  The Greek Isles in all their turquoise and indigo glory!  Meh. There could be a picture of the Gates of Paradise and I think I would barely notice it.  The same goes for TV.  There are so many gorgeous people on screen that it's hard to have some perspective. They walk and talk and act like normal people, but seriously - people who work in an ER are not all that good looking!

     Okay, I know I shouldn't be complaining about all the beauty that is out there.   Life can often be so drab and boring that you would think I would appreciate looking at gorgeous women and amazing pictures of far-off places.  I think what leaves me feeling a bit empty though is that without context, even spectacular things start to lose their value.  If everything is amazing, then nothing is amazing.  I guess what I am saying is that in a funny sort of way, I need to appreciate the dull moments a little more.  Frustration and sadness are important because they give perspective to things like joy and happiness. You can't have one without the other.

     I am about to turn thirty and as I reflect back on my twenties I can't help feeling that I want more.  I realize that means more of everything - good, bad, and in between.  At times in life I've held myself back from things because I didn't know what the outcome might be.  Now I am living more in the moment and am putting aside my ingrained limiters and imagined barriers.  As I am pressing forward with new changes and challenges though, I must admit that I feel really unsettled.  I feel very drained emotionally and unsure of myself.  There is a part of me that wants things to be as simple and as safe as possible. I haven't ridden my bike in a year and a half.  It's probably related to the fact that I have confronted the reality of how dangerous and tenuous life is.  It's scary to think of how fragile our bodies really are. I keep pushing forward anyway, but I am struggling to reconcile the fact that what I want doesn't match up with what I feel.  My own emotions seem to want to sabotage me and keep me from moving forward.  Maybe that's okay though. Moving forward isn't supposed to feel good.  It's scary and uncomfortable.  

I was looking back at photos from after my accident and it brings back a flood of emotions.  I am reminded of how raw that time period was and yet how conscious I was of wanting to move forward with my life.  

     As I've gotten older, I think I've gotten better at appreciating all the varied experiences and circumstances that I've lived through. When I look back at some of the most difficult moments I've had to endure, I mostly feel appreciation.  At the extreme, getting hit by a car and breaking my neck gave me perspective on what really matters.  It gave me an appreciation for what I have and the preciousness of life.  Even with that perspective though, I can't say that I am fully aware of life in all it's infinite beauty and scope.  I still get nervous and worried about the difficulties of life.  I am still scared about trying new things and pushing forward.  But, I am more willing now to put those feelings aside and take chances.  When I come to the end of my time on this planet, I want to feel satisfied that I lived my life as fully as possible.  One of the things I've come to realize as I've gotten older is that it's not the things that I did wrong or failed in that I regret, it's the things that I never attempted that bother me.  What always held me back in the past was fear.  I think, if I could somehow do everything over again, I would be less afraid and more open to what comes my way.
     The thing I am always telling myself is that I have to keep moving forward regardless of what obstacles or challenges I face.  I am usually pretty good at that.  But, it's still a struggle.  When I look back at how far I've come in life though, I can say with certainty that the progress I've made has been worthwhile.  The challenges I've faced haven't deterred me or diminished my desire to move forward.  In fact, I would say difficulty has molded me and shaped me into who I am.  It's given me perspective and resolve.  Life isn't always beautiful.  And that's okay because good without the bad isn't very good at all.

Off-season Isn't Really Off

The leaves are beginning to change color.  

     It feels like Fall is finally here.  Yes, the weather does change here in San Diego, but it's much more nuanced than say, Minneapolis.  We don't get drastic variances in temperature or precipitation from season to season.  But the changes are still there if you pay attention. The air has a little bit more of a bite to it.  The light also has a different quality to it.  It seems more horizontal, like late afternoon sunlight.  The pace of life seems to change as well.  It has a different energy to it - more relaxed in some ways, but more focused in others.  

I had fun with this photo.  I really liked the starkness of this dead tree against the backdrop of the sky.  The original photo was quite light and the sky was obviously blue, but I like exaggerated colors and strong contrast so I pushed boundaries of what this photo could be during editing.  Plus, I feel like the otherworldly color and lighting is more in keeping with the subject.  

     With the change in season I am working away diligently with my athletes.  This is the time of year that I look forward to as a coach because it means I can really get down to work and make some serious functional changes.  What's funny about racing season is that it's all but impossible to make any real fundamental progress in terms of performance.  The irony of racing is that as hard as it may be at times, it really isn't very good training.  Yes, it can be quite beneficial in small doses, but for the most part, it's a lot of work spent at a level that isn't hard enough.  The reality of pushing forward is that to get the most out of what you are doing, you really have to go out and crack yourself - repeatedly.  In races, the main goal is NOT to crack.  During the Fall and Winter the focus can fully on training and I can put together a steady progressive overload that sends my athletes repeatedly to the edge of what they are capable of.  The reality of things is that off-season isn't really off.  In fact, for me it's the busiest time of year.

Bryan Larsen setting up for a one legged leg press.

Bike fit adjustments with Erick Sobey.

      In addition to my coaching work, I am still cranking away at writing.  The book I am working on is steadily coming along.  I'm on the third draft right now.  It's amazing how much work editing and rewriting is.  The hard part is figuring out my voice.  I want to write it in a way that people can relate to and be able to gain something from it.  In order to help me with that, I've been conducting interviews with people to get some additional perspectives.  I sit down with them for an hour or so and ask them questions about their lives and the decisions they've made that have brought them to where they are.  I think that's important because I am really trying to get at universal truths and what it means to live a good life.  It's a tall order I know, but it's something that I think a lot of people innately know.  Following through on what they know can be hard, but I am really enjoying hearing all these different perspectives on life.

I love the contrast of the light and the dark in this photo.  The dead tree stump in the foreground balances well against the vibrant growth of the forest all around it.  I don't have any reason to put here except I like it.  

    My goal for the end of the year is to be done with the 3rd draft and partway done with the 4th draft. I've done 5 interviews so far and will hopefully have another 5-10 done.  I've been printing out every draft I've written so I can edit them.  It's amazing how many pages I've accumulated so far.  I'll admit, it's quite gratifying to hold all the pages in my hand and see all the words I have written.  It's a tangible result of all the work I've done.  I really have no idea if I'll ever publish this, but it's something I want to be able to give to my girls when they get older.  I want to help them avoid some of the mistakes that I did and hopefully learn something from the lessons life has taught me. Who knows if I will actually be able to do that.  I'll keep working at it and hopefully it will mean something when I am done.

     And so, life keeps flowing along.  My daughter Chloe is doing well in school.  She is learning piano at a fantastic clip.  I'll be curious to see how she progresses in a couple of years.  I hope that one day she really falls in love with it.  She alternates between hating it and tolerating it right now.  That's normal though.  I despised piano when I first started.  So, I have faith her love of it will come.  I am still doing projects around the house.  I had to deal with termites today - ugh.  But, I've made a lot of progress.  When I get to a year of living here it will be fun to see how much different everything looks compared with when we moved in.  What can I say, I really enjoy working on things and making progress.  Right now I am quite happy to feel like I am building something and moving forward.  That is my motto after all.  Semper Porro.

For some reason people always seem to take pictures of me from my right side.  So, I end up always looking like I am staring off into the future.  Looking forward I guess.  

Change is gonna come

     Change is inevitable right?  You either adapt to it, or stay rigid and let life change all around.  I don't want to be like that though.  When I look at who I was ten years ago, I can't help but shake my head a little.  I suppose some people look back and laugh at the crazy experiences they had.  I look back and laugh at how uptight I was.  Oh well, you can't go back and change who you were.  The only thing you can do is move forward.  Luckily I think I am a little more evolved now.  I like myself more (which took some doing).  I think as much as anything I've learned to lighten up a little.  I've changed as my life has changed.  I've mostly changed begrudgingly though - because I had to.  It's like life washed over me like a wave and forced me to be different.  I'd like to anticipate what's coming a little bit better going forward.  And, perhaps instead of changing because I've been put through the wash cycle, I would like to ride the wave as it comes along.  

     There's been so much change in my life this year I am finding it hard to process it all.  To a certain degree I feel like I am finally caught in life's current and am being pushed along in the direction I want to be going.  And yet, the magnitude of all the changes in the past two years leaves me feeling a bit breathless at times.  Occasionally I feel anxiety creep in and my mind will start to run in circles.  Am I ready for these changes?  Can I manage them?  Is it possible to move forward and change and grow, but still hold onto the person you were?  I am almost 30 and am laying the foundation for what I want to do for the rest of my life.  I am excited about the direction I am going in, but it's scary.  I think the thing that worries me the most is if I end up exactly where I aimed for.  Part of the magic of life is the unexpected right?  And, what if I somehow miss what really matters because I am so focused on moving forward?  It's like that Eagles song, "what do you do when your dreams come true, but it's not quite like you planned."  I think probably the important thing is to keep growing.  Up till now I've felt like I was somehow bigger than my own life.  I felt caged in by the pace I was going.  I could never get anywhere fast enough or do as much as I wanted to.  This year has been so overwhelming though that I feel like I am trying desperately to keep up with all the changes.  It's like moving into a bigger house and realizing your furniture doesn't fill the space.  I keep telling myself that I can manage this.  But, other times I wonder how it's all going to work out.  I wonder, does anyone else feels like everything is hanging by a thread and it could all come undone at any moment?  That's life I guess - always alternating between sheer boredom and utter chaos.
     One of the things I wonder about it is what our lives add up to in the final analysis.  When compared to the scale of the universe I can't help but think how insignificant we all are.  From that perspective, shouldn't we try and seek out the best life possible?  Enjoy every minute and grab hold of whatever bit of life that we can?  Who dies happier, the person who lives a long steady life, or the person who burns brightly and expires quickly.  I wish I knew the answer to that.  The truth is, I envy those people who know how to live in the moment.  I am always trying to do that, but I don't often feel that I succeed.  When I add up all the things I have done in my life, I see a lot of accomplishments, but precious few experiences.  I have to change that.  That's not the balance I want.  There has to both.  After all, isn't that what Semper Porro is all about - self reflection and change?  I've always lived with my eyes wide open, but now I think it's time to act on the things I see.  I can't wait for life to come to me.  I have to seek it out.  And, if I am lucky enough to have a moment worth keeping come my way, I'll grab hold of it and enjoy every minute of it - because life is fleeting.  



     Every day I am amazed at how much better life gets as I go along.  I am even more certain that what's coming will be better than what has come before.  I have to believe that because the only direction in life is forward.  There's no going backwards.  As I move forward I am going to embrace what comes with open arms and stop holding myself back. Here's to new places, new people and new experiences.  Semper Porro.

The road ahead...

Magic

Photo by Kathryn Itaya

     Whatever happened to that magic of childhood?  Remember that - those perfect moments that seemed to stretch on forever?  I have always been in such a dreadful hurry to get where I am going.  I've done everything fast in life.  I've hammered out achievements like I was feathering a cap.  Truthfully, a lot of what I've accomplished in life leaves me feeling a little bit empty. There have been moments though, when the whole world seems to pause and there is nothing to do but just be.   It seems as if those moments are fewer and farther between the older I get.  So I wonder, what happened? Maybe it's the burden of life and responsibility and all that.  I suppose the flip-side is that those moments are even more precious whenever they come my way now.
     Maybe this seeming lack of magic comes from not having perspective on this time of life.  It's all but impossible to look at where you are objectively.  It's easy to idealize childhood because I've mostly weeded out the bad stuff from my memory.  If I stop and think carefully though, I also remember a lot of not so good things.    Perhaps when I look back at this time of life twenty years from now I'll have that same wistful nostalgia.  
     The thing I always have to remind myself is to live in the moment, but keep moving forward.  It's a difficult balance.  The two concepts seem almost antithetical.  One is grounded, the other is high-minded.  That's my struggle.  I have this vision of how I want my life to be and I am always pushing towards that.  But, I am always trying to be more fully present in the moment.



     As a dad I often find myself looking at the world through my children's eyes.  It's a way for me to be more fully present in the moment.  My youngest daughter is two years old and for her there is little concept of time beyond what is going on right now.  If she's tired, she falls asleep.  If she is hungry, she lets me know.  When she is focused on something, it's all consuming.  The other day we went to the zoo and it was fun to watch her experience all the sights and sounds.  That's what I love best about having children, they keep me grounded.   
     I know it's always going to be difficult to find that balance between living in the moment and pushing forward.   Both are important.  In my case I have such a natural tendency to push forward, that my struggle is usually slowing down enough to appreciate what I have.  My accident a year ago and my children are constant reminders of what I have and how much I am blessed.  I'll keep working on staying centered.  It's hard, but then anything worth having is hard to come by.   

Silver Lining

     I am sitting here writing this in the kitchen of my new house.  Yep, that's right, I bought a house.  I've been saying for awhile that I would - and now I have.  When I knew my lawsuit was getting close to wrapping up, Kate and I began looking around to see what was out there.  To be honest, I never thought I would be able to afford something in Southern California.  The housing market here is so much more expensive than where I grew up in Seattle.  I guess you pay a lot for the sunshine and the ocean and all that.  When all was said and done with my lawsuit, my final settlement was nothing amazing.  Still, it was enough for a down payment on a house.  It's a bit of a weird feeling looking around me and realizing what this house cost me.  In a way it represents my reward for all the pain and suffering I endured.  In that context it makes this house feel very emotionally significant. It's my silver lining I guess.

    Now that I have this house, there are a lot of things I want to do with it.  I plan on setting up the garage as a studio so that I have a place to work with the athletes I am coaching.  I also have a dedicated office that I can work out of.  Once I am a little more settled I have to get back to writing my book.  I tell you what, the revisions have been brutally hard.  The 1st draft was fun, but now it's just work.  I am trying to appreciate the process though.  That applies to everything I do, from being a parent, to coaching, to writing, to teaching.  I have so many things on my plate that I have a hard time keeping them all in balance.  With all the work of moving out of our old apartment and settling in here things have been just crazy.  I've been burning the candle at both ends - and in the middle too - these past few weeks.  I suppose there is a time for rest, but I don't want to slow down.  I feel as if I have some momentum and I want to capitalize on it.  Who needs sleep when there is so much to do!  And anyway, gotta keep moving forward.

Here's a Picture of one of my athletes - Steven Davis - killing it on the TT bike.  Now he's dialed in and ready to rock.  Let's just say this off-season is gonna be awesome.    

   

A Very Good Day

Photo by Kevin Tung

    I woke up the other morning like I do every day.  I was tired.  I had gone to bed at 3:30 the night before.  My daughter Chloe had school in the morning though, so I had to get up.  No sleeping in for me.  It's okay, I don't mind being tired - it just means I have to drink more coffee.  Besides, I had work to do.
     Once I got Chloe to school and Te'a fed and changed, I began getting everything ready for a bike fit with Steven Davis.  I've known Steven for several years.  When I first met him I remember offering him guidance about this and that.  I didn't really know much about training and tactics and bike fitting back then, but I knew a little more than he did so I helped him out the best I could.  Things are different now.  I am working towards being a professional coach and he is working towards being a professional cyclist.  The bike fit is just another step in the process towards those goals.  

      While I was setting up for the bike fit, a knock came on the door.  I opened it, expecting to see Steven, but it was a mail carrier asking me to sign for a certified letter.  I had a good idea what was in the envelope.  I had settled my lawsuit the week before and had signed the forms saying I released liability and all that.  All that had been left was to wait for the check.   I opened it and unfolded the check that was inside and just stared at it.  It was a weird feeling looking at the numbers and realize they somehow added up to the payment for all the pain and suffering I endured.  I wish I could say it was enough, but it wasn't.  If I could have skipped that whole miserable year and given the money back I would have.  Still, it was good to have the whole thing resolved.
       As much as I think the settlement amount wasn't worth the experience, I am not bitter.  Actually just the opposite - I am grateful.  I am grateful I wasn't killed.  I am grateful to be alive.  I am grateful that I get to hold my girls in my arms every day and kiss them every night when I put them to bed.  I am grateful I get to grow old with my wife.  The money certainly wasn't worth the pain and suffering.  Having my dream end so abruptly was a terrible, excruciating, drawn-out process.  I learned some things along the way though.  One of them is just how blessed I am.  The experience taught me how important and valuable my family and friends are to me.  You never really know who you can count until you really need them to be there.  I was and am humbled by the love that was shown me.  The perspective this whole experience has afforded has allowed me to see the money for what it is - a bonus.  
      After a few minutes to process the arrival of the settlement check, Steven showed up.  I couldn't help smiling at how fitting the timing was.  One chapter closes and I am already working on the next.  The next several hours were spent geeking out over bike parts and hanging out.  It's fun to work with Steven because he is as passionate about cycling as I am.  We feed into each other's desire to move forward.  Seeing him finally set up on his bike put a smile on my face.  By no means are we done working on his position, but he's better now than he has ever been.

Our first bike fit from years ago.   

New Bike Candy.

A far cry from where we started.  Steven is 35 pounds lighter and more powerful.

      After Steven left, I went to get Chloe from school.  Every day I marvel at how old she is getting.  She seems so much more grown up than her age.  I suppose that's partly because she has me for a father.  I put a lot of responsibility on her and push her hard.  It's the teacher in me I suppose.  Her first recital was the following day and I wanted to make sure she was prepared.  So, we spent an hour drilling at the piano.  She was already really good because we had been working relentlessly on her piece for the last several weeks.  I am fairly strict when she screws up or makes a mistake.  I make her repeat the problem over and over till it's not a problem anymore.  I've had people complain to me that I am too hard on them.  But, it's nothing compared to how much I push Chloe.  That's the thing though, people can always do more than they think.  The hard part is learning to push through those mental barriers.  

"People say they are ready, but are they prepared?  They're ready for anything but prepared for nothing."  Chuck Knox

     As the afternoon wore on, I wanted to celebrate.  I felt I should do something to mark the occasion.  The whole experience was coming to a close and the past 16 months of waiting were finally over.  I had resolved the emotional struggle months ago, but this was the final piece.  Unfortunately Kate wasn't feeling too great.  So, we ordered Indian for take out and stayed in for the evening.  Why is it that whenever you want to do something you can't ?  I felt like I should do something though.  So, after the girls went to bed, I went to the store and bought a bottle of Tequila.  I had called my Mom and brother earlier to tell them the news and they both had asked me how I felt about everything.  I think they were wondering if I was okay with how things ended up.  Was I satisfied?  Had the final amount of the settlement been enough?  I told them that it felt good to be done with everything and to be able to move forward in my new phase of life.  It wasn't enough to compensate for my loss, but it was enough to be able to move forward with the next chapter of my life.  At the end of the day, being alive is what's important.  Having more or less money doesn't change that.  

     I felt like getting out of the house, so on an impulse, I decided to go for a run.  It was nearing midnight, but I enjoy being out at night.  The temperature was warm and the air was thick with humidity that seemed to hang in the night air like a soft blanket.  Without even really thinking about where I was going, I ended up at the ocean.  The sound of the waves crashing on the shore overwhelmed me.  I have lived near water my whole life, so I am pretty familiar with the ocean in all it's different moods. Standing there in that moment though, it felt like a symphony playing only for me.  I sometimes forget how big the ocean really is.  I guess sometime you need a change in perspective to really appreciate the things you take for granted.

Photo by Kevin Tung

     When I got home, I took a shower and changed.  Then I settled down with some Tequila to watch a movie my brother recommended to me - The Intouchables.  It was a french film about a quadriplegic billionaire who hires a young man from the projects to be his caretaker.  I don't often get to watch movies these days so it's nice to be able to sit back and enjoy myself.  By the time it was over it was almost 3:30 and I was tired.  I had to get up early the next morning to do an all day recording session and piano recital with my students.  I didn't mind though.  What's a little tiredness compared with being alive?
 

Moving On

     Once, when I was younger, my mom said to me that there was more potential to me than payoff. That comment has stuck with me ever since.  I suppose there is truth in what my mom said, but it's a harsh truth.  Another way of saying that would be that I haven't fully lived up to my potential.  And why is that I wonder?  Am I not hard working enough?  Do I need to be smarter?  The thing is, I don't feel like I've ever left anything on the table.  I've always given everything I had to what I was doing.  So what's held me back?  Why haven't I accomplished more?  
    If I am being honest, my mom was right.  I haven't really fulfilled my promise.  It's tough admitting that, but I would rather deal with the truth than be unable to come to terms with reality.  What's hard is that saying I am more potential than payoff makes it sound as if I am a failure.  On one level I suppose I am.  I never fully accomplished what I wanted in cycling.  I had the potential for so much more.  The thing that worries me now, is if that's somehow a measure of who I am.  At times I wonder if I will ever fulfill my potential. What's past is past though and now I am focused on my new direction in life.  I can't dwell on my failures as a cyclist.  They don't help me now.  If I am ever going to achieve the things I want in this next phase of life, I have to learn from my experiences and keep pushing forward
     The truth is, my mothers statement just makes me more motivated.  I feed off of difficult circumstances and doubt.  The more the odds are stacked against me, the more motivated I am to prove everyone wrong.  I am like the little engine that could.  I keep telling myself, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."  While it was tough hearing my mom tell me I was more potential than payoff, it was good for me to hear.  After all, what good is false encouragement?  I would rather have the honest truth and face reality.  At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how I feel or what I think.  What matters is what I do.
     When it comes to cycling, I think why I never fully fulfilled my promise is because I had no idea what I was doing for many years.  When I finally started to figure things out, I broke my neck.  Ultimately, I was limited by what I didn't know.  If I could go back and coach my fifteen year old self, I am sure things would be a lot different.  I can't of course, so there is no point dwelling on what's past.  All I can do at this point is move forward - make today better than yesterday.  And work harder.  I am more determined than ever to succeed.  I still want to win the Tour de France.  I want to be there on the streets of Paris and watch as one of my athletes flies down the cobbled streets of the Champs-Élysées in yellow.  It's perhaps appropriate that the Champs-Élysées means Elysian Fields.  If I get back there, it's because I've worked for it.  

     I know I have a lot of potential.  My mom poured hundreds upon thousands of hours into me so that I would have the tools I need to be successful.  To a certain extent, I think my mom was wondering if I would ever fulfill my promise.  The thing I keep telling myself is that my payoff is still in the future.  Her payoff is my success and as a parent, I can understand wanting to see your children succeed.  The thing is though, I can't control when I will be successful, but as long as I keep moving forward I know that at some point I will be.  So, on I go - relentless and determined.  I know I am a better person now than I was when I was younger.  I never wanted to be one of those people who hit their peak in high school.  My wife and I always joke that we age well, like a fine wine or a stinky cheese (we can never decide which one we are - probably the stinky cheese though).  Regardless, it's still going to be awhile before I hit my peak.

      

     At the end of the day, talk is cheap.  I write a lot about how determined I am to move forward.  The real question is, what have I accomplished so far?  Right now, one of my athletes - Bryan Larsen - is racing in Europe.  Just being able to see him take that step means that he is further than I ever went.  The other day I drove in support of one of my other athletes - Steven Davis - for some targeted training up Palomar Mountain.  He set a Personal Record up the mountain - shaving eight minutes off his previous best time.  My piano students keep getting better and better.  Just this morning I had a lesson with one of my students and he is working on Gershwin's Prelude I, we are also working on a duet together, and he is working on writing his own music now.  My daughter Chloe is humming along.  I've been teaching her for six months now and she can play fairly complicated pieces in 6/8 time with syncopation.  She has learned all her scales, she knows her chords and can use the pedal properly.  She even has started writing her own music.  Besides all that, I am still working away on my book.  I am just about done with my second draft and will be onto the third draft pretty soon.  

     I may not have a lot to show for what I am working on, but I believe in what I am doing.  It will probably take awhile to find the success I am looking for, but that's okay.  I've set the bar pretty high.   I have faith that as long as I keep working and pushing and dreaming I will fulfill my promise eventually.  In the meantime though, I will just keep reminding myself, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."  Semper Porro.