I can tell you exactly when things changed. It was the day after my six month check up. The doctor cleared me to exercise again and that night I went out for a run. That was when I was able to let go and move on. Nor more wondering about cycling and what could have been. I was just out free - reveling in the pain in my legs and lungs.
It's funny, after my accident I kept searching for ways to make myself hurt. I wanted to fill up the emptiness inside with something. I tried drinking. That didn't do much more than blunt the edge of my emptiness. I tried sleeping less. At least when I was really tired I felt something. I could fight against drowsiness. Otherwise, there was nothing to fight - nothing to push against. Considering how hard I've been pushing my whole life, having nothing in front of me felt like tumbling into an abyss.
I realize now how important exercise is to me. It is my drug. I suppose that's why I didn't bother with alcohol or street racing my car with friends when I was younger. I didn't need to. Since my accident though I've come to realize that people probably do those sorts of things because they want to feel something. Without cycling I felt lost. But, it's time to move on now. I am alive and I can still walk. In fact, I've been running a lot lately. Every week I go a little farther on my runs. I want to do a Marathon before my one year anniversary. So, for now running is my drug, but who knows what I might take up in the future. Probably not kickboxing though.
I guess the point of writing all this was to help keep me moving forward. I knew I didn't want to get stuck feeling sorry for myself. I'm in a good space now though. There are still things to take care of. My spine isn't completely healed yet and just yesterday I had a piece of glass taken out of my leg from when I smashed through the van window. But, I feel like I am ready to put this experience in the rear-view mirror and move on with my life.
