Onward

     It's funny, but for a long time there I was wondering when I would finally be free from dealing with the fallout from my accident.  I often wondered if I would know when I was finally back to normal, or if it would be such a gradual process that I would wake up one morning and realize I'd been doing good for awhile.  What I discovered is it's like falling in love.  You know when you know.  At this point I can finally say that I am doing good.    
     I can tell you exactly when things changed.  It was the day after my six month check up.  The doctor cleared me to exercise again and that night I went out for a run.  That was when I was able to let go and move on.  Nor more wondering about cycling and what could have been.  I was just out free - reveling in the pain in my legs and lungs.  
     It's funny, after my accident I kept searching for ways to make myself hurt.  I wanted to fill up the emptiness inside with something.  I tried drinking.  That didn't do much more than blunt the edge of my emptiness.  I tried sleeping less.  At least when I was really tired I felt something.  I could fight against drowsiness.  Otherwise, there was nothing to fight - nothing to push against.  Considering how hard I've been pushing my whole life, having nothing in front of me felt like tumbling into an abyss.  
     I realize now how important exercise is to me.  It is my drug.  I suppose that's why I didn't bother with alcohol or street racing my car with friends when I was younger.  I didn't need to.  Since my accident though I've come to realize that people probably do those sorts of things because they want to feel something.  Without cycling I felt lost.  But, it's time to move on now.  I am alive and I can still walk.  In fact, I've been running a lot lately.  Every week I go a little farther on my runs.  I want to do a Marathon before my one year anniversary.  So, for now running is my drug, but who knows what I might take up in the future.  Probably not kickboxing though.           
     I guess the point of writing all this was to help keep me moving forward.  I knew I didn't want to get stuck feeling sorry for myself.  I'm in a good space now though.  There are still things to take care of.  My spine isn't completely healed yet and just yesterday I had a piece of glass taken out of my leg from when I smashed through the van window.  But, I feel like I am ready to put this experience in the rear-view mirror and move on with my life.  

     Now that I've picked myself up and pushed through this whole mess, I can't help but wonder what's in store for me next.  Thirteen years ago on the Champs Elysees my life changed forever.  Until that moment I could never have guessed what cycling would mean to me and how it would change my life.  In the same way, who knows what's in store for me next.  All I can do is give a hundred percent in whatever I am doing at the moment.  Right now that means spending time with family.  It's the simple things in life right?  Like tickling my one year old daughter and hearing her laugh.  Or, dropping off my oldest daughter for her first day of Kindergarten.  I am glad I am still around to be doing those sorts of things.  Life is a blessing.  It's only now that I really get that.