Take An Action

     In the last few weeks I've had a couple people comment that I seem depressed.  Well, yeah.  It's hard not to be depressed when your whole life has been turned upside down.  One moment I was going full speed ahead in life and then the next moment I was brought to a very violent and complete stop - both literally and figuratively.   It's unbelievably hard to handle such an abrupt change.  For one, the complete lack of exercise left me with endorphin withdrawals.   Also, when I go out in traffic now I find myself keenly aware of every stupid idiot who feels the need to text while they are driving or make a move without thinking.  Most people don't realize how fragile life is.  I know only too well though how close we are to dying on a daily basis.  At any moment someone could swerve suddenly, or a tire could blow out going around a curve, or some random gunman could come into your movie theater and start shooting.  It's a scary world we live in. For awhile after my accident I didn't even want to leave the house.  Being in the car scared me. Besides all that, my dreams and everything that I had been working towards for years was destroyed. One split second completely changed my life.  So yeah, I am a little depressed.  

     I think I am coming to terms with all this though.  What are the five steps to grief?  Denial?  Yeah, I remember that.  It was a split second after the accident and I was like shit this just ruined the rest of my ride.  Then I was like, there goes the start to my season.  Then I was like, maybe I wont even be able to race for several months.  About a second after that came anger.  I remember saying out loud, "what the fuck" several times.  Like seriously, what the hell just happened?  One moment you are riding along.  The next moment you are inside a van on a carpet of shattered glass with a broken neck.  In the Hospital after my surgery I knew it was all over.  But, I couldn't help asking my doctor and my wife, "can I ride again".  I knew what the answer was though even before I asked it.  There was no point in bargaining really.  It was over.  And, ever since has been a steady depression.  So there you go: denial, anger, bargaining, and depression.  

      My depression has been diminishing steadily.  I actually tried to keep myself from feeling depressed for a long time.  I wrote a book and started coaching within days after my accident.  I kept myself busy with work and looking after my infant daughter.  Plus there were money issues and my brothers wedding to think about.    I had a lot of drinks.  Although I only got drunk once.  I also ate a lot of junk food.  I guess it was all those years of sacrifice and dieting catching up with me.  It was weird to eat a pint of ice cream with absolutely zero guilt.  To be honest I didn't really feel depressed.  I was too busy.  The depression was there though.  Lurking.  Whenever I slowed down or got a little tired I felt myself getting sad.  Whenever that happened I tried to push it as far away from me as possible and focus on what I had, rather than what I didn't have anymore.  

     Every now and again I would get absolutely walloped by emotion out of the blue.  I might see a cyclist go past on the street or hear about a race from a friend.  I even came to resent it when the weather was beautiful.  On days like that, all I wanted was to be outside riding my bike.   To be honest I haven't gone outside since my accident much.  Seeing the Tour de France on TV felt like a punch in the gut.  Knowing that I would never get to race down the Champs Elysees just left me feeling empty.  I only cried a few times though.  In fact, I think I've kept it together pretty well.  I promised myself that I wouldn't let this break me.  What's more, I wasn't going to bring the people around me down.  Everyone is going through enough troubles of their own.  So, I put on a good face and endured.  What can I say, I am good at enduring.    

     After my accident I promised myself I wouldn't go into a tailspin.  Yet despite my best efforts, I guess I have been a little depressed.  You know what though, that's okay.  You can't suddenly move on when the thing you've been building towards for thirteen years gets destroyed.  It's more than that even, because I've been riding a bike for twenty five years.  And now it's gone.  You don't just get over that in a day.  A little depression is understandable.  What's more, I think I am entitled to a little.  

      Talking to my mom, she suggested I take an action to help me get over this.  The thing is, I have taken an action already.  In fact, I've taken many.  Writing this blog is one of the many things I've done to move past this.  I find writing cathartic.  Yesterday I rearranged my office on the spur of the moment after doing some research on a Feng Shui article.  I also got rid of a bunch of dead plants on my patio that had been sitting there for months.  When I think about it, it's not just one action that is needed to move myself past all of this.  It is many.  Each action I take is another step away from racing my bicycle and that diminishes the pain a little.  Watching the Olympics made me a little sad - I know how much those athletes put into what they are doing and I am a little envious of them.  But, I was only a little sad.  The time to be an elite athlete is over and I am ready to move on.  I guess that's what you would call acceptance.