Swinging For The Fences

San Juan Capistrano Train Station at dusk.

     I've been grinding away for awhile now.  It's been over two years since my life abruptly changed directions.  And, so far it's mostly been about putting in the work.  In the past month though, there have been certain things in my life that have caused me to step back and look at my life objectively.  Seeing my brother getting closer to realizing his dream.  Reconnecting with an old friend.  Listening to my daughter Chloe playing the piano.  All these things reminded me of the vibrancy of life.  I think back to when I was a young man, just starting out in the world.  I had such hope for things.  Anything felt possible.  Somewhere along the way, I think I lost that idealism. Maybe it was coming to terms with the reality of things.  Or, maybe it was coming face to face with disappointment time and again.  It's hard to be hopeful for the future when it feels like you've failed at a lot of the things you've worked towards.  

Chloe, playing theme from "Up".

      I try to reevaluate constantly.  Always doing my best to self correct and find my way forward - I have so many questions and insecurities that I am trying to overcome.  Answers aren't always forthcoming or readily available though.  Even in the age of Google I am still so amazed at how much people are faced with the same sorts of challenges and questions as hundreds of years ago.  I guess there's still an aspect of life that everyone has to figure out on their own.  Or maybe it's that life is so immutable and unknowable.  Regardless, I am always trying to figure things out and get a better understanding of things every day.

Night Horizon

      With my recent revelation of how disconnected I had become from that sense of wonder and hope that I had as a young man, I decided it was time to let go of the realities of life a little.  Yes, life will always be hard.  But, just because you can't have everything doesn't mean you can't get anything you want if you focus hard enough on it.  I guess the difference between where I am now and back then is that I have a better sense of what it takes to get things.  On the one hand, that clarity allows me to take things for what they are more.  On the other hand, I really enjoy that sense of unchecked possibility lying out before me.  I don't want to hold myself back from the hopes and dreams that are continually flitting about in my subconscious.  At this point I want to let them germinate a little, give them some water and let them grow.  

      I've spent so long confronted with the reality of things that I think I've gotten a little complacent.  Instead of continuing to push forward, I think I just learned to accept things for what they were.  Obviously that can be both a good thing and a bad thing.  But, I think what I lost that I am trying to reconnect with is the idea that things can always be better - that hope for something more.  In recent years when I thought about the possibility of exploring off into the void I was left wondering, "what if I fall?"  But then who knows?  Perhaps I will fly.   So, now I'm swinging for the fences.  I don't want to aim lower just so I wont be crushed if I fail.  After all, it's the journey and the process that matters.  And, I like things that are challenging.