Priorities

     These past few weeks I've been really up and down.  Nothing bad I guess, but my sleep schedule has been all over the place and I've been alternating back and forth between being sick and being healthy.  Along with all that, my emotions and motivation, and general outlook on life have been really up and down.  One moment everything is fantastic, the next moment I just want to lie in bed and curl up into a little ball.  Of course, there's no chance of that because my girls almost always need something.  There's food to be made and dishes to be washed and messes to be cleaned up.  A week ago it was vomit.  It seemed like every time I turned around one of them was throwing up.  Of course my youngest daughter, who is one year old, wasn't getting it into a bowl or a toilet so I was constantly cleaning up after her.  Let me tell you, vomit doesn't come out of carpet very easily.  It was especially fun when I got sick.  Ugh.

      The thing is, I am not trying to complain.  All of this is just a part of life, but one thing I've noticed since I stopped riding is that I am not as balanced as I used to be.  Cycling was my touchstone in many ways.  I always knew when I had to eat and what I should should be eating.  I exercised regularly (obviously) so that kept me healthy.  I was on a good sleep schedule because I needed to recover as best I could.  Also, I had a direction and goals to pursue so each day moved forward with a sense of purpose.  Now that cycling is gone, I am really struggling to stay on top of all those things.  My sleep is terrible.  I exercise about one tenth the amount I used to.  I eat like crap.  Just yesterday in fact, I had a cup of coffee in the morning and then at 4:00 in the afternoon I realized I hadn't actually eaten anything - so I had a bowl of cereal.  And, we won't even talk about eating chocolate and drinking Bourbon at 2:00 in the morning.  Besides all that, each day seems to blend into the next and I am left wondering exactly what I am supposed to be striving for?  Where is the anchor in my life without cycling?  

     The thing is, I've tried to push forward.  And, on balance I think I've done a good job.  Coaching is going well.  I am making progress on my book.  Life in general seems to be moving forward.  But still, it's not like before.  Everything feels really haphazard.  I think partly I am still just getting used to this new life.  You would think that after all this time I would have gotten used to being away from my bike.  It's still something that I think about though.  Partly I think it's because at this point I could theoretically start riding again if I was willing to accept the heightened risks.  But, I know that it's time to move forward.  Cycling is done with and even if I could go back to riding my bike, racing is over.  Done.  

      Things might be different if I didn't have a family.  It's one thing to risk riding on the road when there is no one depending on you.  It's another when you are married and have two children.  I always knew how closely I flirted with death on a daily basis, but I had gotten so used to the risk that I didn't even think about it.  My accident really hit home the tenuousness of life though.  I wasn't even in a really bad accident, but it still almost killed me.  When I think how often I rode right next to cars that passed inches from me going sixty miles an hour, I am grateful that in all my years riding I wasn't injured worse.  Every day I could have been paralyzed or killed and I never even thought anything of it.  When I think of that, it makes it easier to accept that I can't ride anymore.  

       For the longest time, I always used to say to my wife - you are my highest priority.  In my mind I always knew that if it ever came right down to it, I would choose her over cycling.  When I had my two daughters they too went higher on my list of priorities than cycling.  If you ever asked me what was important to me, I would say family first, cycling second, and everything else after that.  Something I didn't realize though, was that after I became a father, my responsibilities changed.  In the days after my accident it was amazing how clear everything suddenly was.  It wasn't so much that my priorities had changed, but I saw them in a different light.  I had changed over the thirteen years of racing my bike.  I wasn't a boy anymore and it was no longer responsible of me to put myself in harms way.  So, I stopped.  Cold Turkey.  I haven't ridden a bike in almost a year.  Even if my doctor cleared me to ride again I don't know if I would.  I am now fully aware of what I would be risking and have to many responsibilities now to be that careless.  And anyway, now there is no question what my priorities are.  Family first.  And that's it.  Everything else comes second.

     In the mean time, I have to find a way to keep myself balanced without cycling to keep me focused.  This is what normal people do right?  They exercise when they can.  Eat at normal intervals.  And, they find a way to stay balanced without some outside force keeping them in line.  It's up to me now I guess.  In many ways  cycling was a crutch.  Now it's time to move forward without that to help me.  Okay.  I can do this.  I want to do this.  I am excited about this next phase of life.  It's going to be great.  Semper Porro right?

New Normal

    It's closing in on nine months since I broke my neck and I've been reflecting on all that's gone on since then.  I've been so consumed by the day to day that I barely even noticed how dramatically my life has changed.  Now that I don't ride my bike anymore, I have an extra 30 hours or so a week of free time.  In the last few months my wife has decided to pursue her career full time.  It's only fair really.  She's been supportive of me while I pursued cycling during our nine years together.  So, now it's her turn.  Between that and the lack of cycling, I have turned into effectively a stay at home dad.  I am still working, but I am home more than she is these days.  Because of our schedule, I am usually the one to drop off and pick up our daughter from kindergarten each day.   I am usually the only guy there among all the women. Also, because my wife is working more, I've been doing a lot of the cooking, cleaning, and stuff around the house (I think my cooking leaves a little to be desired though).   There is also our one year old daughter to contend with which has kept me very house-bound.  The amount of mental awareness and focus needed to keep track of a one year old in an uncontained space is exhausting.  So, most days I stay in.
     Considering how much of my life had been spent outdoors before my accident, this whole new life I've been living is very weird.  I often long to get out of the house alone.  In many ways, cycling was an escape for me.  It was a way to be out, free and on my own.  Now that that's gone, I find myself staying up till two or three in the morning just so I can get time to myself.  I guess that's one of the things that's surprised me about this whole experience.  Cycling was much more than a way to exercise or even the pursuit of a childhood dream. Partly it was my way of meditating and clearing my head.  It was a way for me to feel good about myself .  I enjoyed setting goals and working towards them.  Also, being home-schooled as a kid, cycling was the one place I felt comfortable socially.  I guess it's easier to feel comfortable about yourself when everyone else looks funny too - what with the shaved legs, funny tan lines, and spandex.  Besides all that, cycling kept me healthy.  Ever since my accident I've had to work really hard to find a way to compensate for all those intangible things that I lost.
     When I think about it, it's amazing how fundamentally different my life is from nine months ago.  I didn't want to dwell on the negative after my accident, so I've been relentlessly pushing forward and moving on with my life.  I want to have accomplished something by the time February 3rd comes around again.  I've made progress on the coaching front.   I am working full time with three athletes who I believe a lot in.  I've also been working away on a book and am writing articles and blogs.  I started running and lifting weights back in August.  The running has been painful, but it's starting to click.  I've had a couple runs now that didn't hurt.  The weight lifting is more straight forward.  I've never lifted weights for my arms before, but I am familiar with it from all my gym work as a cyclist.  I promised my wife that I would bulk up a little after I was done with cycling so I looked less like a concentration camp victim.  Even teaching piano has changed for me.  Before I always saw it as something that helped pay my bills until I turned pro.  Now that I know I won't be racing professionally  I feel I can invest more in my students.   

      In many ways, I feel much more comfortable with the direction my life is going in.  The accident forced me to change directions as well as move forward in areas of my life that were on hold.  I can't say I am completely happy to be going in this new direction, but at the same time I am grateful that I get to keep going forward at all.  It's amazing how close I came to being either dead or paraplegic.  The fact that I get to see my daughters grow up and that I didn't leave them without a dad means so much to me.  In that sense, all I am is grateful.  It's funny, my dad had a back injury of his own right around the time I broke my neck and he has had a long slow recovery.  He said to me this year has been one of the worst years of his life.  I sometimes wonder if he feels that way because his injury was never life threatening.  Maybe you think differently when you know that your injury could have been much more devastating.  
      At this point, I think it's fair to say that I am living a new normal.  I am no longer a cyclist.  Now I am a coach, a writer, and a teacher.  I am more present as a dad and a husband.  I am hopefully even a better person - with more perspective and humility.  Now it's time to see where this new normal will take me.  I want to see some of my athletes win the Tour de France and an Olympic Gold medal.  I want to finish my book and get is published.  I want to see some of piano students make it in the music profession.  I want to see my daughters grow up and make lives of their own.  I want to keep making each day better than the last.  That is my new life.  And you know what, it's not a bad one.