It's closing in on nine months since I broke my neck and I've been reflecting on all that's gone on since then. I've been so consumed by the day to day that I barely even noticed how dramatically my life has changed. Now that I don't ride my bike anymore, I have an extra 30 hours or so a week of free time. In the last few months my wife has decided to pursue her career full time. It's only fair really. She's been supportive of me while I pursued cycling during our nine years together. So, now it's her turn. Between that and the lack of cycling, I have turned into effectively a stay at home dad. I am still working, but I am home more than she is these days. Because of our schedule, I am usually the one to drop off and pick up our daughter from kindergarten each day. I am usually the only guy there among all the women. Also, because my wife is working more, I've been doing a lot of the cooking, cleaning, and stuff around the house (I think my cooking leaves a little to be desired though). There is also our one year old daughter to contend with which has kept me very house-bound. The amount of mental awareness and focus needed to keep track of a one year old in an uncontained space is exhausting. So, most days I stay in.
Considering how much of my life had been spent outdoors before my accident, this whole new life I've been living is very weird. I often long to get out of the house alone. In many ways, cycling was an escape for me. It was a way to be out, free and on my own. Now that that's gone, I find myself staying up till two or three in the morning just so I can get time to myself. I guess that's one of the things that's surprised me about this whole experience. Cycling was much more than a way to exercise or even the pursuit of a childhood dream. Partly it was my way of meditating and clearing my head. It was a way for me to feel good about myself . I enjoyed setting goals and working towards them. Also, being home-schooled as a kid, cycling was the one place I felt comfortable socially. I guess it's easier to feel comfortable about yourself when everyone else looks funny too - what with the shaved legs, funny tan lines, and spandex. Besides all that, cycling kept me healthy. Ever since my accident I've had to work really hard to find a way to compensate for all those intangible things that I lost.
When I think about it, it's amazing how fundamentally different my life is from nine months ago. I didn't want to dwell on the negative after my accident, so I've been relentlessly pushing forward and moving on with my life. I want to have accomplished something by the time February 3rd comes around again. I've made progress on the coaching front. I am working full time with three athletes who I believe a lot in. I've also been working away on a book and am writing articles and blogs. I started running and lifting weights back in August. The running has been painful, but it's starting to click. I've had a couple runs now that didn't hurt. The weight lifting is more straight forward. I've never lifted weights for my arms before, but I am familiar with it from all my gym work as a cyclist. I promised my wife that I would bulk up a little after I was done with cycling so I looked less like a concentration camp victim. Even teaching piano has changed for me. Before I always saw it as something that helped pay my bills until I turned pro. Now that I know I won't be racing professionally I feel I can invest more in my students.
In many ways, I feel much more comfortable with the direction my life is going in. The accident forced me to change directions as well as move forward in areas of my life that were on hold. I can't say I am completely happy to be going in this new direction, but at the same time I am grateful that I get to keep going forward at all. It's amazing how close I came to being either dead or paraplegic. The fact that I get to see my daughters grow up and that I didn't leave them without a dad means so much to me. In that sense, all I am is grateful. It's funny, my dad had a back injury of his own right around the time I broke my neck and he has had a long slow recovery. He said to me this year has been one of the worst years of his life. I sometimes wonder if he feels that way because his injury was never life threatening. Maybe you think differently when you know that your injury could have been much more devastating.
At this point, I think it's fair to say that I am living a new normal. I am no longer a cyclist. Now I am a coach, a writer, and a teacher. I am more present as a dad and a husband. I am hopefully even a better person - with more perspective and humility. Now it's time to see where this new normal will take me. I want to see some of my athletes win the Tour de France and an Olympic Gold medal. I want to finish my book and get is published. I want to see some of piano students make it in the music profession. I want to see my daughters grow up and make lives of their own. I want to keep making each day better than the last. That is my new life. And you know what, it's not a bad one.
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