Priorities

     These past few weeks I've been really up and down.  Nothing bad I guess, but my sleep schedule has been all over the place and I've been alternating back and forth between being sick and being healthy.  Along with all that, my emotions and motivation, and general outlook on life have been really up and down.  One moment everything is fantastic, the next moment I just want to lie in bed and curl up into a little ball.  Of course, there's no chance of that because my girls almost always need something.  There's food to be made and dishes to be washed and messes to be cleaned up.  A week ago it was vomit.  It seemed like every time I turned around one of them was throwing up.  Of course my youngest daughter, who is one year old, wasn't getting it into a bowl or a toilet so I was constantly cleaning up after her.  Let me tell you, vomit doesn't come out of carpet very easily.  It was especially fun when I got sick.  Ugh.

      The thing is, I am not trying to complain.  All of this is just a part of life, but one thing I've noticed since I stopped riding is that I am not as balanced as I used to be.  Cycling was my touchstone in many ways.  I always knew when I had to eat and what I should should be eating.  I exercised regularly (obviously) so that kept me healthy.  I was on a good sleep schedule because I needed to recover as best I could.  Also, I had a direction and goals to pursue so each day moved forward with a sense of purpose.  Now that cycling is gone, I am really struggling to stay on top of all those things.  My sleep is terrible.  I exercise about one tenth the amount I used to.  I eat like crap.  Just yesterday in fact, I had a cup of coffee in the morning and then at 4:00 in the afternoon I realized I hadn't actually eaten anything - so I had a bowl of cereal.  And, we won't even talk about eating chocolate and drinking Bourbon at 2:00 in the morning.  Besides all that, each day seems to blend into the next and I am left wondering exactly what I am supposed to be striving for?  Where is the anchor in my life without cycling?  

     The thing is, I've tried to push forward.  And, on balance I think I've done a good job.  Coaching is going well.  I am making progress on my book.  Life in general seems to be moving forward.  But still, it's not like before.  Everything feels really haphazard.  I think partly I am still just getting used to this new life.  You would think that after all this time I would have gotten used to being away from my bike.  It's still something that I think about though.  Partly I think it's because at this point I could theoretically start riding again if I was willing to accept the heightened risks.  But, I know that it's time to move forward.  Cycling is done with and even if I could go back to riding my bike, racing is over.  Done.  

      Things might be different if I didn't have a family.  It's one thing to risk riding on the road when there is no one depending on you.  It's another when you are married and have two children.  I always knew how closely I flirted with death on a daily basis, but I had gotten so used to the risk that I didn't even think about it.  My accident really hit home the tenuousness of life though.  I wasn't even in a really bad accident, but it still almost killed me.  When I think how often I rode right next to cars that passed inches from me going sixty miles an hour, I am grateful that in all my years riding I wasn't injured worse.  Every day I could have been paralyzed or killed and I never even thought anything of it.  When I think of that, it makes it easier to accept that I can't ride anymore.  

       For the longest time, I always used to say to my wife - you are my highest priority.  In my mind I always knew that if it ever came right down to it, I would choose her over cycling.  When I had my two daughters they too went higher on my list of priorities than cycling.  If you ever asked me what was important to me, I would say family first, cycling second, and everything else after that.  Something I didn't realize though, was that after I became a father, my responsibilities changed.  In the days after my accident it was amazing how clear everything suddenly was.  It wasn't so much that my priorities had changed, but I saw them in a different light.  I had changed over the thirteen years of racing my bike.  I wasn't a boy anymore and it was no longer responsible of me to put myself in harms way.  So, I stopped.  Cold Turkey.  I haven't ridden a bike in almost a year.  Even if my doctor cleared me to ride again I don't know if I would.  I am now fully aware of what I would be risking and have to many responsibilities now to be that careless.  And anyway, now there is no question what my priorities are.  Family first.  And that's it.  Everything else comes second.

     In the mean time, I have to find a way to keep myself balanced without cycling to keep me focused.  This is what normal people do right?  They exercise when they can.  Eat at normal intervals.  And, they find a way to stay balanced without some outside force keeping them in line.  It's up to me now I guess.  In many ways  cycling was a crutch.  Now it's time to move forward without that to help me.  Okay.  I can do this.  I want to do this.  I am excited about this next phase of life.  It's going to be great.  Semper Porro right?