People Don't Care

      Something that I've been kicking around my head recently is this notion that people don't care.  It struck me with alarming clarity when I bumped into some cycling friends at a cycling shop.  They had just finished up a hard ride and they were eager to refuel with some coffee and baked goods.  At the time it really struck me how far removed I had become from cycling.  More than that, I realized how tiny and insignificant my place in cycling was.  I stopped riding and most people didn't even notice.  You know what though, it's okay.  It didn't really bother me at the time.  It did make me wake up to the fact that cycling was here before me and it kept right on going after I had smashed into the side of a car.     I can remember over the years hearing stories of people getting seriously hurt - or even killed - and I barely noticed.  You can't think about that sort of thing when you are out riding.  You would just end up being this anxious ball of nerves, always waiting for a car to swerve suddenly or your tire to slip out from under you on a sharp turn.  What's more, you can't live life like that either.  If you let every tragedy, every bad piece of news, and all the suffering in this world weigh on you it would be impossible to function normally.  So, you compartmentalize the bad stuff and block it out.  Things are different, obviously, when it's you who is hit by a car.  To someone else, a bad accident is just another statistic of the dangers of riding a bicycle on the road.  But, to you it's something else.  It's personal.  And when things are bad you think, someone should care!  My dreams and the life that I had built for myself are completely destroyed.  Doesn't anyone notice?  Does anyone care?  Seeing those cyclists back in that coffee shop, it really made me realize that in fact, nobody does.
     I was talking to my brother the other day and he was telling me how he empathizes with the guy who hit me.  And sure, why not?  It was just an accident.  Everyone has done something illegal or stupid at one time or another.  It's not like I am dead.  I am not even paralyzed.  I used to be fairly disdainful of all the lawsuits in America.  I see things a little differently now.  Not hugely different, but a little.  I think the thing that I realize now is the significance of individual accountability.  Every action that you take can have an enormous impact on someone else.  In fact I think most people aren't even aware of the significance of their actions.  Texting while driving doesn't hurt anybody - right?  Ultimately though, each individual affects the whole.  Lawsuits - as distasteful as they sometimes are - are a constant reminder of the individual mandate that we all have to be responsible and accountable for our actions.
       What all of this has led me to is a clarity in my life and how I have moved forward through this past year.    And what a year 2012 was.  It was the hardest year of my life.  Everything is simpler now though.  I am closer with the people who matter and I worry less about everything (and everyone) else.  The world was here before me and it will go on after I am gone.  In the mean time I will focus on my life and make it the best I can.  Even if most people don't care about me, I do.  It's my life and if I don't care about it, why should anyone else?  There are certain things I can't change.  There are certain things I can change.  Now I know the difference.