A Year Of Change (Part 1)

     I am closing in on a year since I broke my neck.  The obvious thing to talk about would be all the normal platitudes about how grateful I am to be alive and how I have such a great new perspective on life and all that.  Blah, blah, bleh.  The truth is, I don't think this past year has changed me so much as it has sharpened me.  I am a little older now and I feel more focused and determined than ever to go forward.  Something that I've found strangely ironic is that as I am writing this, the Lance Armstrong saga is unraveling.  What is funny is that he was the one who inspired me to start racing all those years ago as a 15 year old watching the Tour de France fly past on the Champs Elysees.  I am left with the realization that my dream of racing the Tour and the person who first inspired me to race have been shattered.  I feel strangely at peace though. Much like my accident, I don't think Lance confessing to doping changes anything for me.  I was in the sport long enough to know the realities of cycling.  I chose never to take drugs.  But I know lots of people who did.  I also don't think my accident changes much for me either.  For sure, it ended one chapter of my life - 13 years worth of devotion to racing - but I am still going to keep going.  Racing is done, but cycling is not.  The dream is still to win the Tour de France.  Lance Armstrong's doping revelations don't change that for me and neither does a broken neck.

     Looking back through my old racing pictures, it makes me think about how much I put into the sport.  I suppose you could get consumed by any hobby, but for me it was everything.  I moved to California specifically so I could pursue cycling and I planned my whole life around it.  It's sometimes hard not to be bitter about what could have been.  But, it was a magical time of life.  I mean, how many people even get a chance to pursue their dreams?  Not many.  I was lucky in a lot of ways.  Besides the fact that I wasn't killed in my accident, I was lucky to have had so many years filled with great experiences before that.  I couldn't have done it without my wife who supported me unconditionally.  My family didn't always understand why I chose this crazy sport, but they supported me anyway.  When all is said and done, they are my real blessing in life.  Whatever else I might feel about cycling, I am grateful for the time I was able to spend doing what I love.
     

   

      What drives me now is the belief that I could have made it as a Pro Athlete.  In many ways, I feel it wasn't my ability so much as my execution that limited me.  My mom used to say that I was more potential than realization.  In a sad sort of way, I agree with her.  I believe I had the potential to make it at the elite level.  But, I didn't know how to put it all together.  At this point, I don't wonder so much about what might have been.  Now I wonder about other people in my same situation.  It's funny, a year ago at this time I was completely focused on the season ahead and how I could continue improving as an athlete.  Now I am thinking about how I can help other people improve.  This past year has been filled with change.  A lot of things in my life are different now, but my dream is still the same.  I want to win the Tour de France.  It won't be me wearing the yellow jersey, but if I can help someone else get there, I will be satisfied.