Earlier this month I went down to San Diego to visit with my Orthopedic Surgeon. All the other times Kate has been with me, but for this final follow up visit and I was there by myself. I went in, they checked everything and said I looked good. And that was it. Done. To be honest it was all a bit anti-climactic. I walked out of that office feeling oddly deflated. I thought I would be relieved to finally close that chapter in my life. But I wasn't. To be honest, I don't know what I was. I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad. I think maybe what threw me was that my doctor said I could go back to racing if I wanted with no limitations. I had always thought I would be at a higher risk or something. But I wasn't. I was completely healed and now it was my choice if I rode or not. The problem is, I've already moved on. I guess maybe it's a bit like bumping into the one who got away after you've been married. What can you do though? Time marches on and my window of opportunity for racing professionally was slammed shut when I went through that car window. There's some irony there for you.
A week or so after I visited the doctor I went to the beach with my girls. On the way down to the beach, we passed a Lifeguard tower that had a sign posted on it that made me pause to think. NO LIFEGUARD ON DUTY. That meant there was no one to save you if you needed help. Another way to look at it though is you were free to do whatever you wanted - you just had to be responsible for yourself. Of course, in my case it's not just me I have to worry about anymore. I have my girls to think about. I want to watch them grow up. That means taking care of them and taking care of myself. I am heading into uncharted waters now. What scares me is that I have no idea if the direction I am going in is right or wrong. I am just going. Who knows how this will all turn out? There is no road map for this; which is crazy right? I mean why isn't there a guidebook to life? Maybe everyone has a their own. For some it's the bible, for others it's the biography of someone who inspired them. I don't think I've found mine. I am just making it up as I go along.
I've been busy with coaching lately. The funny thing is, I never really saw myself as a very good cyclist, but I know I am good at coaching. If I am being, it's what I was really meant to do. I've been a teacher my whole life. So, coaching comes naturally to me. Plus it appeals to my meticulous nature. The other day I had one of the guys I coach over for a bike fit. Steven Davis was the first guy I started coaching and as I was tinkering with the bike I couldn't help smiling to myself. We were working on a brand new, state of the art bike that his team had given to him. It was a far cry from where he started. It's been a fun process to watch him develop from a hundred and seventy pound Cat. 3 into a lithe road racing monster. I can't tell you how many times I've fit him over the years. It started out because I wanted to help him as a friend. He was on a bike that didn't quite fit him that he had pieced together as best he could. That was several years ago and I didn't think much of it. Now, fitting him is part of the life that I am making for myself. We've grown up together these past years. I look at him now and wonder what he might be capable of. I guess only time will tell. Whatever happens, I know I am all in. This is the life I have now and this is the life I want.
I guess if you wait long enough, everything comes full circle in life. My brother Gabe was down visiting just this past week. Considering that a year ago we had only barely started a relationship again after not speaking with each other for years, it was pretty awesome. One of the things I learned as we've sorted out our issues with each other this past year is that you have to figure out your own problems without projecting them onto others. I was such a jerk to him when we were growing up and I didn't even realize it. I had my own issues that I was working through and I dumped on him because he was an easy target. Things are different now obviously. He is a man now and not the little kid who I used to push around. I think we've both grown up a lot. I missed my brothers whole transition from being a kid to being a man. Maybe it was for the best though. He needed space to be his own person without his older brother hanging around. Seeing him now makes me feel a little old though. It wasn't until I started seeing my younger siblings do things like start driving, and dating and turning 21 and going out for drinks, that I realized how quickly time has passed. It will be especially weird when my daughters start doing all those things. For now I am just grateful for the moments I get to spend with my family - you know, the good moments. Because believe me, there have been plenty of bad ones. That's life I guess. You take it as it comes.
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| Taking life as it comes. On the rocks. |
Kate starts a new job tomorrow - her first with a salary and everything. What with racing being over with, it feels like we are moving into a new phase of life. If everything stays on track I am hoping we can buy a house in a year or so. In a way everything seems like it is just as it should be. I need to try and hold onto this moment because I know it's fleeting. Tomorrow might bring some new catastrophe. You know what though, even if that happened it would be okay. In life there are ups and downs. Nothing lasts forever. I do wish it was a little easier though. I mean seriously, I wouldn't mind if life wasn't quite as hard. Maybe that's what makes it beautiful though. Who knows? I am still trying to figure that one out. Maybe one day I will. In the meantime I'll just try to keep moving forward.
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