Silver Lining

     I am sitting here writing this in the kitchen of my new house.  Yep, that's right, I bought a house.  I've been saying for awhile that I would - and now I have.  When I knew my lawsuit was getting close to wrapping up, Kate and I began looking around to see what was out there.  To be honest, I never thought I would be able to afford something in Southern California.  The housing market here is so much more expensive than where I grew up in Seattle.  I guess you pay a lot for the sunshine and the ocean and all that.  When all was said and done with my lawsuit, my final settlement was nothing amazing.  Still, it was enough for a down payment on a house.  It's a bit of a weird feeling looking around me and realizing what this house cost me.  In a way it represents my reward for all the pain and suffering I endured.  In that context it makes this house feel very emotionally significant. It's my silver lining I guess.

    Now that I have this house, there are a lot of things I want to do with it.  I plan on setting up the garage as a studio so that I have a place to work with the athletes I am coaching.  I also have a dedicated office that I can work out of.  Once I am a little more settled I have to get back to writing my book.  I tell you what, the revisions have been brutally hard.  The 1st draft was fun, but now it's just work.  I am trying to appreciate the process though.  That applies to everything I do, from being a parent, to coaching, to writing, to teaching.  I have so many things on my plate that I have a hard time keeping them all in balance.  With all the work of moving out of our old apartment and settling in here things have been just crazy.  I've been burning the candle at both ends - and in the middle too - these past few weeks.  I suppose there is a time for rest, but I don't want to slow down.  I feel as if I have some momentum and I want to capitalize on it.  Who needs sleep when there is so much to do!  And anyway, gotta keep moving forward.

Here's a Picture of one of my athletes - Steven Davis - killing it on the TT bike.  Now he's dialed in and ready to rock.  Let's just say this off-season is gonna be awesome.    

   

A Very Good Day

Photo by Kevin Tung

    I woke up the other morning like I do every day.  I was tired.  I had gone to bed at 3:30 the night before.  My daughter Chloe had school in the morning though, so I had to get up.  No sleeping in for me.  It's okay, I don't mind being tired - it just means I have to drink more coffee.  Besides, I had work to do.
     Once I got Chloe to school and Te'a fed and changed, I began getting everything ready for a bike fit with Steven Davis.  I've known Steven for several years.  When I first met him I remember offering him guidance about this and that.  I didn't really know much about training and tactics and bike fitting back then, but I knew a little more than he did so I helped him out the best I could.  Things are different now.  I am working towards being a professional coach and he is working towards being a professional cyclist.  The bike fit is just another step in the process towards those goals.  

      While I was setting up for the bike fit, a knock came on the door.  I opened it, expecting to see Steven, but it was a mail carrier asking me to sign for a certified letter.  I had a good idea what was in the envelope.  I had settled my lawsuit the week before and had signed the forms saying I released liability and all that.  All that had been left was to wait for the check.   I opened it and unfolded the check that was inside and just stared at it.  It was a weird feeling looking at the numbers and realize they somehow added up to the payment for all the pain and suffering I endured.  I wish I could say it was enough, but it wasn't.  If I could have skipped that whole miserable year and given the money back I would have.  Still, it was good to have the whole thing resolved.
       As much as I think the settlement amount wasn't worth the experience, I am not bitter.  Actually just the opposite - I am grateful.  I am grateful I wasn't killed.  I am grateful to be alive.  I am grateful that I get to hold my girls in my arms every day and kiss them every night when I put them to bed.  I am grateful I get to grow old with my wife.  The money certainly wasn't worth the pain and suffering.  Having my dream end so abruptly was a terrible, excruciating, drawn-out process.  I learned some things along the way though.  One of them is just how blessed I am.  The experience taught me how important and valuable my family and friends are to me.  You never really know who you can count until you really need them to be there.  I was and am humbled by the love that was shown me.  The perspective this whole experience has afforded has allowed me to see the money for what it is - a bonus.  
      After a few minutes to process the arrival of the settlement check, Steven showed up.  I couldn't help smiling at how fitting the timing was.  One chapter closes and I am already working on the next.  The next several hours were spent geeking out over bike parts and hanging out.  It's fun to work with Steven because he is as passionate about cycling as I am.  We feed into each other's desire to move forward.  Seeing him finally set up on his bike put a smile on my face.  By no means are we done working on his position, but he's better now than he has ever been.

Our first bike fit from years ago.   

New Bike Candy.

A far cry from where we started.  Steven is 35 pounds lighter and more powerful.

      After Steven left, I went to get Chloe from school.  Every day I marvel at how old she is getting.  She seems so much more grown up than her age.  I suppose that's partly because she has me for a father.  I put a lot of responsibility on her and push her hard.  It's the teacher in me I suppose.  Her first recital was the following day and I wanted to make sure she was prepared.  So, we spent an hour drilling at the piano.  She was already really good because we had been working relentlessly on her piece for the last several weeks.  I am fairly strict when she screws up or makes a mistake.  I make her repeat the problem over and over till it's not a problem anymore.  I've had people complain to me that I am too hard on them.  But, it's nothing compared to how much I push Chloe.  That's the thing though, people can always do more than they think.  The hard part is learning to push through those mental barriers.  

"People say they are ready, but are they prepared?  They're ready for anything but prepared for nothing."  Chuck Knox

     As the afternoon wore on, I wanted to celebrate.  I felt I should do something to mark the occasion.  The whole experience was coming to a close and the past 16 months of waiting were finally over.  I had resolved the emotional struggle months ago, but this was the final piece.  Unfortunately Kate wasn't feeling too great.  So, we ordered Indian for take out and stayed in for the evening.  Why is it that whenever you want to do something you can't ?  I felt like I should do something though.  So, after the girls went to bed, I went to the store and bought a bottle of Tequila.  I had called my Mom and brother earlier to tell them the news and they both had asked me how I felt about everything.  I think they were wondering if I was okay with how things ended up.  Was I satisfied?  Had the final amount of the settlement been enough?  I told them that it felt good to be done with everything and to be able to move forward in my new phase of life.  It wasn't enough to compensate for my loss, but it was enough to be able to move forward with the next chapter of my life.  At the end of the day, being alive is what's important.  Having more or less money doesn't change that.  

     I felt like getting out of the house, so on an impulse, I decided to go for a run.  It was nearing midnight, but I enjoy being out at night.  The temperature was warm and the air was thick with humidity that seemed to hang in the night air like a soft blanket.  Without even really thinking about where I was going, I ended up at the ocean.  The sound of the waves crashing on the shore overwhelmed me.  I have lived near water my whole life, so I am pretty familiar with the ocean in all it's different moods. Standing there in that moment though, it felt like a symphony playing only for me.  I sometimes forget how big the ocean really is.  I guess sometime you need a change in perspective to really appreciate the things you take for granted.

Photo by Kevin Tung

     When I got home, I took a shower and changed.  Then I settled down with some Tequila to watch a movie my brother recommended to me - The Intouchables.  It was a french film about a quadriplegic billionaire who hires a young man from the projects to be his caretaker.  I don't often get to watch movies these days so it's nice to be able to sit back and enjoy myself.  By the time it was over it was almost 3:30 and I was tired.  I had to get up early the next morning to do an all day recording session and piano recital with my students.  I didn't mind though.  What's a little tiredness compared with being alive?
 

Moving On

     Once, when I was younger, my mom said to me that there was more potential to me than payoff. That comment has stuck with me ever since.  I suppose there is truth in what my mom said, but it's a harsh truth.  Another way of saying that would be that I haven't fully lived up to my potential.  And why is that I wonder?  Am I not hard working enough?  Do I need to be smarter?  The thing is, I don't feel like I've ever left anything on the table.  I've always given everything I had to what I was doing.  So what's held me back?  Why haven't I accomplished more?  
    If I am being honest, my mom was right.  I haven't really fulfilled my promise.  It's tough admitting that, but I would rather deal with the truth than be unable to come to terms with reality.  What's hard is that saying I am more potential than payoff makes it sound as if I am a failure.  On one level I suppose I am.  I never fully accomplished what I wanted in cycling.  I had the potential for so much more.  The thing that worries me now, is if that's somehow a measure of who I am.  At times I wonder if I will ever fulfill my potential. What's past is past though and now I am focused on my new direction in life.  I can't dwell on my failures as a cyclist.  They don't help me now.  If I am ever going to achieve the things I want in this next phase of life, I have to learn from my experiences and keep pushing forward
     The truth is, my mothers statement just makes me more motivated.  I feed off of difficult circumstances and doubt.  The more the odds are stacked against me, the more motivated I am to prove everyone wrong.  I am like the little engine that could.  I keep telling myself, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."  While it was tough hearing my mom tell me I was more potential than payoff, it was good for me to hear.  After all, what good is false encouragement?  I would rather have the honest truth and face reality.  At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how I feel or what I think.  What matters is what I do.
     When it comes to cycling, I think why I never fully fulfilled my promise is because I had no idea what I was doing for many years.  When I finally started to figure things out, I broke my neck.  Ultimately, I was limited by what I didn't know.  If I could go back and coach my fifteen year old self, I am sure things would be a lot different.  I can't of course, so there is no point dwelling on what's past.  All I can do at this point is move forward - make today better than yesterday.  And work harder.  I am more determined than ever to succeed.  I still want to win the Tour de France.  I want to be there on the streets of Paris and watch as one of my athletes flies down the cobbled streets of the Champs-Élysées in yellow.  It's perhaps appropriate that the Champs-Élysées means Elysian Fields.  If I get back there, it's because I've worked for it.  

     I know I have a lot of potential.  My mom poured hundreds upon thousands of hours into me so that I would have the tools I need to be successful.  To a certain extent, I think my mom was wondering if I would ever fulfill my promise.  The thing I keep telling myself is that my payoff is still in the future.  Her payoff is my success and as a parent, I can understand wanting to see your children succeed.  The thing is though, I can't control when I will be successful, but as long as I keep moving forward I know that at some point I will be.  So, on I go - relentless and determined.  I know I am a better person now than I was when I was younger.  I never wanted to be one of those people who hit their peak in high school.  My wife and I always joke that we age well, like a fine wine or a stinky cheese (we can never decide which one we are - probably the stinky cheese though).  Regardless, it's still going to be awhile before I hit my peak.

      

     At the end of the day, talk is cheap.  I write a lot about how determined I am to move forward.  The real question is, what have I accomplished so far?  Right now, one of my athletes - Bryan Larsen - is racing in Europe.  Just being able to see him take that step means that he is further than I ever went.  The other day I drove in support of one of my other athletes - Steven Davis - for some targeted training up Palomar Mountain.  He set a Personal Record up the mountain - shaving eight minutes off his previous best time.  My piano students keep getting better and better.  Just this morning I had a lesson with one of my students and he is working on Gershwin's Prelude I, we are also working on a duet together, and he is working on writing his own music now.  My daughter Chloe is humming along.  I've been teaching her for six months now and she can play fairly complicated pieces in 6/8 time with syncopation.  She has learned all her scales, she knows her chords and can use the pedal properly.  She even has started writing her own music.  Besides all that, I am still working away on my book.  I am just about done with my second draft and will be onto the third draft pretty soon.  

     I may not have a lot to show for what I am working on, but I believe in what I am doing.  It will probably take awhile to find the success I am looking for, but that's okay.  I've set the bar pretty high.   I have faith that as long as I keep working and pushing and dreaming I will fulfill my promise eventually.  In the meantime though, I will just keep reminding myself, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."  Semper Porro.

Awareness

     It's into the early hours of the morning and I am sitting here staring at my hands.  I don't know what drew my attention to them at this moment, but I find myself fascinated by the fine detail in the skin and the shape of each finger.  As I watch my fingers play across the keyboard, I am struck by the deftness of their movements.  They have a precise yet fluid dexterity to them.  I suppose, most of the time I don't pay attention to my hands all that much.  I am more focused on what I can do with them.  And yet, they are an extension of me.  In the soft light from the computer, I can see myself in them.  The cracks in the skin are a reflection of my years out in the sun riding my bike.  The muscles in each finger are a testament to the time I've spent playing the piano.  The silvery band of metal on my left ring finger is a physical symbol of my status as a family man.  My hands tell a story of who I am and the things I value in life.

     My choices in life have literally shaped me.  My hands are just one example.  Thinking about that makes me ponder my sense of self and the kind of person I am.  I often find myself frustrated with life right now.  And yet, it's my life.  The choices I have made have brought me to where I am.  That makes things easier to accept I guess.  Life is still hard, but I chose this path I am on.  Even my broken neck was a result of the choices I've made.  
     I wonder about the choices I am making now and where they will take me.  What will my life look like in ten years?  They say that who you are is defined by what you do.  So I write.  I coach.  I teach.  I parent.  Does that make me all those things?  As frustrated as I sometimes get with the pace of life, I think I am satisfied with the direction.  If what you do defines who you are, then I am doing what I want to be doing.  In ten years I wonder if my hands will look like the hands of a writer? 

     In the last several months I've been learning about photography.  I've always wanted to know how to use a camera beyond the basics of point and shoot.  Now seems like as good a time as any to pursue it.  I've needed some sort of hobby since I stopped cycling.  Plus, photography fulfills my need to be creative.  I had a friend help me with some of the basics like F-stop, ISO, and shutter speed.  Everything seems different when looking through the lens of a camera.  Things that are familiar are suddenly fascinating and new.  It's amazing what a little change in perspective and awareness can have on the world around you.  

Flowers outside my apartment

     In many ways I feel like a kid again when I am taking pictures.  It's like I am seeing the world with that same magic and wonder I had before I grew up.  I think the years of being focused and responsible have taken their toll.  I always swore I would never lose that carefree quality.  And yet, here I am - old and boring.  That may not be entirely true of course.  But, it sure feels like it sometimes.  Whenever I feel like that, I find myself needing to do something to recapture a sense of that youthful ignorance.  Perhaps that is why I am up right now at 2:20 in the morning writing this.  It's not because I have this urgent need to share my thoughts.  But, I think it comes from a need to express myself.  Consequences be damned.  I know I will pay for staying up so late in the morning, but I don't care.  Writing this gives me a way to express myself.  In the end, I am not writing this for anyone else.  I am writing it for me.

 
   
     I am trying to use my time now to work on the development of various projects.  For example, photography is something that I want to develop and get better at.  Teaching Chloe piano is a long term project to give her skill and passion for music.  I am hoping to see the athletes that I coach develop into professionals.  There is also writing.  Besides this blog I am working steadily away on various other projects.  If I didn't have all these things to work on I think I would go crazy.  Taking care of the boring mundane details in life - like washing dishes and paying bills - isn't exactly fulfilling.  In ten years I want to have something to show for the years that have passed.  I am reminded of that quote by Earl Nightingale. "Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it.  The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use."

The great blue Pacific

       
     I suppose my greatest challenge right now is ... well - to appreciate right now.  As much as I am always trying to move forward, I sometimes forget to fully engage in the present.  I get so wrapped up in the future that I lose sight of right now.  One of the things I like about photography is that it heightens my awareness of the world around me.  In doing so, it pulls me back to the present moment.  

Bougainvillea at the Carlsbad Flower Fields

     I suppose I will always struggle to find that balance between pushing towards the future but remaining grounded in the present.  What I should tell myself is Semper porro - memento vivere. Always forward - remember to live.  Hmm, I guess I'll have to work on that. 

 

A Message From Abroad

Going forward, I want to start including some posts from people I know who represent the spirit of Semper Porro.  One of those people is an athlete I coach named Bryan Larsen.  He just embarked on a trip to Europe to continue his development as an athlete.  In many ways cycling is a metaphor for life. You push and you struggle and you fight against all the forces that try and hold you back and slow you down.  As with life, cycling is all about endurance.  Being successful means pushing forward day in and day out.  

*urgent knocking on door*
I groan back into consciousness, “yeah?”
“Dude, what time is?!” Eric barges into room.
“um. let me check my phone.” oh wait, i haven’t adjusted time or anything on phone. Time for some early morning math…
“Are we 7 or 8 hours ahead of home? Did we cross the international dateline?! Has daylight savings happened yet?!”
“Is it noon?!”
“OH man, Rodrigo is going to be here for a ride any minute!”
“We slept 16 hours?!”
“Oh man, he’s gonna be soooo pissed…”

Our first full day in the Netherlands started off quite abruptly. Rodrigo, a friend of Eric’s from his previous trips and a teammate on DRC de Mol, showed up soon after. We were running around eating gronola and yogurt while also trying to get dressed. And by the way, getting dressed here takes quite a while as it’s currently between 30-40F*, snowing, and windy. Our first day’s ride to a Cafe in downtown Breda was extremely cold and I found myself wearing every article of warm clothes that I brought with me and I still was FREEZING. After some amazing coffee we straddled our bikes again and kicked off back towards Terheijden, where we are living for the next 3 months. While riding up the bike path, we were faced with a stiff headwind that soon hurt our tired legs. Along with painful legs, the headwind was blowing a jet black cloud towards us at full speed. Soon we were racing back as fast as we could into blistering ice and snow while unable to feel most of our bodies, especially our fingers and toes. We ran inside and turned on the hot water in the sink and submerged our frozen fingers until feeling returned. And on that note, our first official ride in the Netherlands was complete. 

After 16 hours of sleep, as mentioned above, we were off on our second ride. Rodrigo showed us a nice loop where we just spun out our legs. We never stopped once for 2.5 hours. It was a refreshing ride, even if we did get lightly snowed on a couple times. We returned to Rodrigo’s home where we met his wife and young daughter. We had a coffee and biscuit and then finished off our last 10 kms home enjoying a pinch of sunlight.

After those two painful rides, I decided I was going to have to invest heavily in some seriously thermal clothes. So today, we began our adventures at the biggest bike shop I have ever been to in my life. Hoppmans Bike shop was 3 stories tall and took up an entire city block. I was overwhelmed with the endless choices of clothing. The shoe selection alone had to have had close to 50 different types/brands of cycling footwear. After deciding this wasn’t going to be a cheap visit, I decided to go all-in as staying warm here is going to have to be a priority if i’m going to train and race to my fullest potential. I walked away spending 240 Euro that bought me: 1 pair of thermal bib tights, 1 thermal jacket, 1 rain proof/thermal shoe covers, 2x more thick wool socks, 1 pair of wool gloves,
1 thermal beanie/hat, a number holder for my races, and 1 container of Assos chamois cream. While this was a lot of money, I consider all of those things investments that will keep me on track with my goals.

Speaking of which, tomorrow is my first “race”. It’s only a club race but it will be great to open my legs up and have some fun. Sunday however, is a criterium with some cobbles and a small hill each lap. This will most likely be quite a shock to the system. But afterall, a shock is what starts a motor engine.

Until next time, onward and upward.

Follow Bryan Larsen at http://bryanlrsn7.wordpress.com

Holding Steady

     Let's be honest, no one really reads blogs.  Everyone seems to have one, but nobody actually reads them right?  I mean, why would anyone want to read about all those boring mundane details of other people's lives?  My life certainly doesn't have much to offer in terms of plot.  I am not the captain of a crabbing boat in Alaska or a famous soccer player with a pop star for a wife.  My life right now is just a steady grind. I watch my kids, I write, I work on training schedules, I take care of stuff around the house, I teach piano a couple days a week, and I try to fit in anything else that needs to be done in between all that.  In fact, I bet my days are a lot like anyone else's.  I have still have big plans though.  The difference is, now I am investing in other people's success instead of my own.

Cherry Blossoms

     It's a new time in my life - full of growth and possibility.  But the truth is, I find this place in life both terrifying and depressing.  The scary part is having no sense of where I am going.  When I was pursuing cycling I knew exactly what I wanted and where I was going.  Now it feels like I am aiming for a target that I can't even see.  I am certainly trying to push forward.  But I don't know exactly what it is I am pushing towards.   The fact that there is nothing tangible in front of me to pursue also makes me feel a bit useless - like a tool that isn't being used.  I guess I just need to get used to my new role in life.

       Time seems to be moving at a different scale now.  Before, I was so wrapped up in the moment that the years just flew by.  Now I am acutely aware of each day.  Right now it feels like I am just passing time until everything I am working on starts moving forward.  I am waiting for my lawsuit to be wrapped up.  I am waiting for the guys I coach to hit that next level.  I am waiting for my one year old to grow out of the screaming phase.  I am waiting to somehow make sense of the direction I am going in.  I am waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting.  I am so tired of waiting.  I know I am moving forward, but it's different from before.  I miss the freedom of my old life.  I wasn't always going forward, but I was moving.  I guess I just have to be patient.  Sometimes in life you have to slow down in order to really start moving forward.  
       I started teaching my daughter Chloe to play the piano when she turned six.  In the back of my head I have visions of her becoming a singer when she grows up.  Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but I figure if I can give her the right tools, then she will at least have options when she gets older.  My parents gave me a lot of opportunities when I was growing up and now I want to do that for my daughters.  Right now, learning the piano is just a grind.  It's not like Chloe is amazingly gifted or anything.  What she does have is a father who can help her learn a valuable skill.  I will see to it that she puts in the hours necessary to be really good.  How many more till she hits 10,000?

     Two of the guys I coach are leaving for Europe today.  I feel like a parent watching their kids go off to college.  I am so nervous.  I wonder, did I give them everything they need?  Did I push them hard enough?  Are they prepared for what's coming?  I can only sit tight and be patient now.  I did the best that I could with the resources I had.  I am not satisfied though - I can do better.  I am more motivated than ever to improve my training tools and resources to be able to help people better.  Right now, I have my sights set on buying a house.  Once I have that I will have a base of operations to work out of.  Of course I can't move forward on buying a house until my lawsuit is finalized.  To be honest I am ready to just be done with the whole process so I can move forward with my life.   

Bryan Larsen attacking at the Tour de Murrietta

       Maybe why I am so anxious right now is because I am holding on to the past.  Wow, can that be true?  Every time I swear I've moved on in life I find myself looking wistfully back over my shoulder.  It's just hard moving on I guess.  These days there doesn't seem to be much freedom or opportunity for fun anymore.  That's just life though.  The older you get, the more tied down you get.  You trade off freedom for security.  Sometimes I wish I could break out of this grind and go do something exciting.  But, I think this place in life is just where I need to be right now.  I've spent enough time being the proverbial Hare. Now it's time to be the Tortoise.
      I think probably the hardest part of being slow and steady is simply appreciating being slow and steady.  The Tortoise may win the race eventually, but the Hare has more fun.  There is nothing fun or exciting about making slow, but steady progress.  I suppose the plot will thicken soon enough.  When that time comes I'll probably wish I had been more prepared.  Hmm.  I guess I better keep working.  

Laguna Beach

No Lifeguard

     Earlier this month I went down to San Diego to visit with my Orthopedic Surgeon.  All the other times Kate has been with me, but for this final follow up visit and I was there by myself.  I went in, they checked everything and said I looked good.  And that was it.  Done.  To be honest it was all a bit anti-climactic.  I walked out of that office feeling oddly deflated.  I thought I would be relieved to finally close that chapter in my life.  But I wasn't.  To be honest, I don't know what I was.  I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad.  I think maybe what threw me was that my doctor said I could go back to racing if I wanted with no limitations.  I had always thought I would be at a higher risk or something.  But I wasn't.  I was completely healed and now it was my choice if I rode or not.  The problem is, I've already moved on.   I guess maybe it's a bit like bumping into the one who got away after you've been married.  What can you do though?  Time marches on and my window of opportunity for racing professionally was slammed shut when I went through that car window.  There's some irony there for you. 

      A week or so after I visited the doctor I went to the beach with my girls.  On the way down to the beach, we passed a Lifeguard tower that had a sign posted on it that made me pause to think.  NO LIFEGUARD ON DUTY.   That meant there was no one to save you if you needed help.  Another way to look at it though is you were free to do whatever you wanted - you just had to be responsible for yourself.  Of course, in my case it's not just me I have to worry about anymore.  I have my girls to think about.  I want to watch them grow up.  That means taking care of them and taking care of myself.  I am heading into uncharted waters now.  What scares me is that I have no idea if the direction I am going in is right or wrong.  I am just going.  Who knows how this will all turn out?  There is no road map for this; which is crazy right?  I mean why isn't there a guidebook to life?  Maybe everyone has a their own.  For some it's the bible, for others it's the biography of someone who inspired them.  I don't think I've found mine.  I am just making it up as I go along.    

     I've been busy with coaching lately.  The funny thing is, I never really saw myself as a very good cyclist, but I know I am good at coaching.  If I am being, it's what I was really meant to do.  I've been a teacher my whole life.  So, coaching comes naturally to me.  Plus it appeals to my meticulous nature.  The other day I had one of the guys I coach over for a bike fit.  Steven Davis was the first guy I started coaching and as I was tinkering with the bike I couldn't help smiling to myself.  We were working on a brand new, state of the art bike that his team had given to him.  It was a far cry from where he started.  It's been a fun process to watch him develop from a hundred and seventy pound Cat. 3 into a lithe road racing monster.  I can't tell you how many times I've fit him over the years.  It started out because I wanted to help him as a friend.  He was on a bike that didn't quite fit him that he had pieced together as best he could.  That was several years ago and I didn't think much of it.  Now, fitting him is part of the life that I am making for myself.  We've grown up together these past years.  I look at him now and wonder what he might be capable of.  I guess only time will tell.  Whatever happens, I know I am all in.  This is the life I have now and this is the life I want.  

     I guess if you wait long enough, everything comes full circle in life.  My brother Gabe was down visiting just this past week.  Considering that a year ago we had only barely started a relationship again after not speaking with each other for years, it was pretty awesome.   One of the things I learned as we've sorted out our issues with each other this past year is that you have to figure out your own problems without projecting them onto others.  I was such a jerk to him when we were growing up and I didn't even realize it.  I had my own issues that I was working through and I dumped on him because he was an easy target.  Things are different now obviously.  He is a man now and not the little kid who I used to push around.  I think we've both grown up a lot.  I missed my brothers whole transition from being a kid to being a man.  Maybe it was for the best though.  He needed space to be his own person without his older brother hanging around.  Seeing him now makes me feel a little old though.  It wasn't until I started seeing my younger siblings do things like start driving, and dating and turning 21 and going out for drinks, that I realized how quickly time has passed.  It will be especially weird when my daughters start doing all those things.  For now I am just grateful for the moments I get to spend with my family - you know, the good moments.  Because believe me, there have been plenty of bad ones.  That's life I guess.  You take it as it comes.  

Taking life as it comes.  On the rocks.  

     Kate starts a new job tomorrow - her first with a salary and everything.  What with racing being over with, it feels like we are moving into a new phase of life.    If everything stays on track I am hoping we can buy a house in a year or so.   In a way everything seems like it is just as it should be.  I need to try and hold onto this moment because I know it's fleeting.  Tomorrow might bring some new catastrophe.  You know what though, even if that happened it would be okay.  In life there are ups and downs.  Nothing lasts forever.  I do wish it was a little easier though.  I mean seriously, I wouldn't mind if life wasn't quite as hard.  Maybe that's what makes it beautiful though.  Who knows?  I am still trying to figure that one out.  Maybe one day I will.  In the meantime I'll just try to keep moving forward.