A Message From Abroad

Going forward, I want to start including some posts from people I know who represent the spirit of Semper Porro.  One of those people is an athlete I coach named Bryan Larsen.  He just embarked on a trip to Europe to continue his development as an athlete.  In many ways cycling is a metaphor for life. You push and you struggle and you fight against all the forces that try and hold you back and slow you down.  As with life, cycling is all about endurance.  Being successful means pushing forward day in and day out.  

*urgent knocking on door*
I groan back into consciousness, “yeah?”
“Dude, what time is?!” Eric barges into room.
“um. let me check my phone.” oh wait, i haven’t adjusted time or anything on phone. Time for some early morning math…
“Are we 7 or 8 hours ahead of home? Did we cross the international dateline?! Has daylight savings happened yet?!”
“Is it noon?!”
“OH man, Rodrigo is going to be here for a ride any minute!”
“We slept 16 hours?!”
“Oh man, he’s gonna be soooo pissed…”

Our first full day in the Netherlands started off quite abruptly. Rodrigo, a friend of Eric’s from his previous trips and a teammate on DRC de Mol, showed up soon after. We were running around eating gronola and yogurt while also trying to get dressed. And by the way, getting dressed here takes quite a while as it’s currently between 30-40F*, snowing, and windy. Our first day’s ride to a Cafe in downtown Breda was extremely cold and I found myself wearing every article of warm clothes that I brought with me and I still was FREEZING. After some amazing coffee we straddled our bikes again and kicked off back towards Terheijden, where we are living for the next 3 months. While riding up the bike path, we were faced with a stiff headwind that soon hurt our tired legs. Along with painful legs, the headwind was blowing a jet black cloud towards us at full speed. Soon we were racing back as fast as we could into blistering ice and snow while unable to feel most of our bodies, especially our fingers and toes. We ran inside and turned on the hot water in the sink and submerged our frozen fingers until feeling returned. And on that note, our first official ride in the Netherlands was complete. 

After 16 hours of sleep, as mentioned above, we were off on our second ride. Rodrigo showed us a nice loop where we just spun out our legs. We never stopped once for 2.5 hours. It was a refreshing ride, even if we did get lightly snowed on a couple times. We returned to Rodrigo’s home where we met his wife and young daughter. We had a coffee and biscuit and then finished off our last 10 kms home enjoying a pinch of sunlight.

After those two painful rides, I decided I was going to have to invest heavily in some seriously thermal clothes. So today, we began our adventures at the biggest bike shop I have ever been to in my life. Hoppmans Bike shop was 3 stories tall and took up an entire city block. I was overwhelmed with the endless choices of clothing. The shoe selection alone had to have had close to 50 different types/brands of cycling footwear. After deciding this wasn’t going to be a cheap visit, I decided to go all-in as staying warm here is going to have to be a priority if i’m going to train and race to my fullest potential. I walked away spending 240 Euro that bought me: 1 pair of thermal bib tights, 1 thermal jacket, 1 rain proof/thermal shoe covers, 2x more thick wool socks, 1 pair of wool gloves,
1 thermal beanie/hat, a number holder for my races, and 1 container of Assos chamois cream. While this was a lot of money, I consider all of those things investments that will keep me on track with my goals.

Speaking of which, tomorrow is my first “race”. It’s only a club race but it will be great to open my legs up and have some fun. Sunday however, is a criterium with some cobbles and a small hill each lap. This will most likely be quite a shock to the system. But afterall, a shock is what starts a motor engine.

Until next time, onward and upward.

Follow Bryan Larsen at http://bryanlrsn7.wordpress.com

Holding Steady

     Let's be honest, no one really reads blogs.  Everyone seems to have one, but nobody actually reads them right?  I mean, why would anyone want to read about all those boring mundane details of other people's lives?  My life certainly doesn't have much to offer in terms of plot.  I am not the captain of a crabbing boat in Alaska or a famous soccer player with a pop star for a wife.  My life right now is just a steady grind. I watch my kids, I write, I work on training schedules, I take care of stuff around the house, I teach piano a couple days a week, and I try to fit in anything else that needs to be done in between all that.  In fact, I bet my days are a lot like anyone else's.  I have still have big plans though.  The difference is, now I am investing in other people's success instead of my own.

Cherry Blossoms

     It's a new time in my life - full of growth and possibility.  But the truth is, I find this place in life both terrifying and depressing.  The scary part is having no sense of where I am going.  When I was pursuing cycling I knew exactly what I wanted and where I was going.  Now it feels like I am aiming for a target that I can't even see.  I am certainly trying to push forward.  But I don't know exactly what it is I am pushing towards.   The fact that there is nothing tangible in front of me to pursue also makes me feel a bit useless - like a tool that isn't being used.  I guess I just need to get used to my new role in life.

       Time seems to be moving at a different scale now.  Before, I was so wrapped up in the moment that the years just flew by.  Now I am acutely aware of each day.  Right now it feels like I am just passing time until everything I am working on starts moving forward.  I am waiting for my lawsuit to be wrapped up.  I am waiting for the guys I coach to hit that next level.  I am waiting for my one year old to grow out of the screaming phase.  I am waiting to somehow make sense of the direction I am going in.  I am waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting.  I am so tired of waiting.  I know I am moving forward, but it's different from before.  I miss the freedom of my old life.  I wasn't always going forward, but I was moving.  I guess I just have to be patient.  Sometimes in life you have to slow down in order to really start moving forward.  
       I started teaching my daughter Chloe to play the piano when she turned six.  In the back of my head I have visions of her becoming a singer when she grows up.  Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but I figure if I can give her the right tools, then she will at least have options when she gets older.  My parents gave me a lot of opportunities when I was growing up and now I want to do that for my daughters.  Right now, learning the piano is just a grind.  It's not like Chloe is amazingly gifted or anything.  What she does have is a father who can help her learn a valuable skill.  I will see to it that she puts in the hours necessary to be really good.  How many more till she hits 10,000?

     Two of the guys I coach are leaving for Europe today.  I feel like a parent watching their kids go off to college.  I am so nervous.  I wonder, did I give them everything they need?  Did I push them hard enough?  Are they prepared for what's coming?  I can only sit tight and be patient now.  I did the best that I could with the resources I had.  I am not satisfied though - I can do better.  I am more motivated than ever to improve my training tools and resources to be able to help people better.  Right now, I have my sights set on buying a house.  Once I have that I will have a base of operations to work out of.  Of course I can't move forward on buying a house until my lawsuit is finalized.  To be honest I am ready to just be done with the whole process so I can move forward with my life.   

Bryan Larsen attacking at the Tour de Murrietta

       Maybe why I am so anxious right now is because I am holding on to the past.  Wow, can that be true?  Every time I swear I've moved on in life I find myself looking wistfully back over my shoulder.  It's just hard moving on I guess.  These days there doesn't seem to be much freedom or opportunity for fun anymore.  That's just life though.  The older you get, the more tied down you get.  You trade off freedom for security.  Sometimes I wish I could break out of this grind and go do something exciting.  But, I think this place in life is just where I need to be right now.  I've spent enough time being the proverbial Hare. Now it's time to be the Tortoise.
      I think probably the hardest part of being slow and steady is simply appreciating being slow and steady.  The Tortoise may win the race eventually, but the Hare has more fun.  There is nothing fun or exciting about making slow, but steady progress.  I suppose the plot will thicken soon enough.  When that time comes I'll probably wish I had been more prepared.  Hmm.  I guess I better keep working.  

Laguna Beach

No Lifeguard

     Earlier this month I went down to San Diego to visit with my Orthopedic Surgeon.  All the other times Kate has been with me, but for this final follow up visit and I was there by myself.  I went in, they checked everything and said I looked good.  And that was it.  Done.  To be honest it was all a bit anti-climactic.  I walked out of that office feeling oddly deflated.  I thought I would be relieved to finally close that chapter in my life.  But I wasn't.  To be honest, I don't know what I was.  I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad.  I think maybe what threw me was that my doctor said I could go back to racing if I wanted with no limitations.  I had always thought I would be at a higher risk or something.  But I wasn't.  I was completely healed and now it was my choice if I rode or not.  The problem is, I've already moved on.   I guess maybe it's a bit like bumping into the one who got away after you've been married.  What can you do though?  Time marches on and my window of opportunity for racing professionally was slammed shut when I went through that car window.  There's some irony there for you. 

      A week or so after I visited the doctor I went to the beach with my girls.  On the way down to the beach, we passed a Lifeguard tower that had a sign posted on it that made me pause to think.  NO LIFEGUARD ON DUTY.   That meant there was no one to save you if you needed help.  Another way to look at it though is you were free to do whatever you wanted - you just had to be responsible for yourself.  Of course, in my case it's not just me I have to worry about anymore.  I have my girls to think about.  I want to watch them grow up.  That means taking care of them and taking care of myself.  I am heading into uncharted waters now.  What scares me is that I have no idea if the direction I am going in is right or wrong.  I am just going.  Who knows how this will all turn out?  There is no road map for this; which is crazy right?  I mean why isn't there a guidebook to life?  Maybe everyone has a their own.  For some it's the bible, for others it's the biography of someone who inspired them.  I don't think I've found mine.  I am just making it up as I go along.    

     I've been busy with coaching lately.  The funny thing is, I never really saw myself as a very good cyclist, but I know I am good at coaching.  If I am being, it's what I was really meant to do.  I've been a teacher my whole life.  So, coaching comes naturally to me.  Plus it appeals to my meticulous nature.  The other day I had one of the guys I coach over for a bike fit.  Steven Davis was the first guy I started coaching and as I was tinkering with the bike I couldn't help smiling to myself.  We were working on a brand new, state of the art bike that his team had given to him.  It was a far cry from where he started.  It's been a fun process to watch him develop from a hundred and seventy pound Cat. 3 into a lithe road racing monster.  I can't tell you how many times I've fit him over the years.  It started out because I wanted to help him as a friend.  He was on a bike that didn't quite fit him that he had pieced together as best he could.  That was several years ago and I didn't think much of it.  Now, fitting him is part of the life that I am making for myself.  We've grown up together these past years.  I look at him now and wonder what he might be capable of.  I guess only time will tell.  Whatever happens, I know I am all in.  This is the life I have now and this is the life I want.  

     I guess if you wait long enough, everything comes full circle in life.  My brother Gabe was down visiting just this past week.  Considering that a year ago we had only barely started a relationship again after not speaking with each other for years, it was pretty awesome.   One of the things I learned as we've sorted out our issues with each other this past year is that you have to figure out your own problems without projecting them onto others.  I was such a jerk to him when we were growing up and I didn't even realize it.  I had my own issues that I was working through and I dumped on him because he was an easy target.  Things are different now obviously.  He is a man now and not the little kid who I used to push around.  I think we've both grown up a lot.  I missed my brothers whole transition from being a kid to being a man.  Maybe it was for the best though.  He needed space to be his own person without his older brother hanging around.  Seeing him now makes me feel a little old though.  It wasn't until I started seeing my younger siblings do things like start driving, and dating and turning 21 and going out for drinks, that I realized how quickly time has passed.  It will be especially weird when my daughters start doing all those things.  For now I am just grateful for the moments I get to spend with my family - you know, the good moments.  Because believe me, there have been plenty of bad ones.  That's life I guess.  You take it as it comes.  

Taking life as it comes.  On the rocks.  

     Kate starts a new job tomorrow - her first with a salary and everything.  What with racing being over with, it feels like we are moving into a new phase of life.    If everything stays on track I am hoping we can buy a house in a year or so.   In a way everything seems like it is just as it should be.  I need to try and hold onto this moment because I know it's fleeting.  Tomorrow might bring some new catastrophe.  You know what though, even if that happened it would be okay.  In life there are ups and downs.  Nothing lasts forever.  I do wish it was a little easier though.  I mean seriously, I wouldn't mind if life wasn't quite as hard.  Maybe that's what makes it beautiful though.  Who knows?  I am still trying to figure that one out.  Maybe one day I will.  In the meantime I'll just try to keep moving forward.  

Semper Porro

Semper Porro means Always Forward in Latin.   It's my reminder to keep moving forward.  This past year has been filled with more ups and downs than I could have imagined.  Sometimes it feels like I am grinding forward without really getting anywhere.  Other times it feels like ... well - actually it always feels like I am grinding along.  Don't get me wrong.  I am not complaining.  I have so much to be thankful for.  This past year was a true test though.  I was knocked down (quite literally), but I picked myself back up and kept moving forward.  It certainly hasn't been pretty.  I am going to keep at it though.  The truth is, that's pretty much my best quality - keeping at it.  I am not particularly smart, or talented.  I am not that good looking or rich.  I've never been very popular.  What I am though is relentless.  Give me enough time and I will accomplish whatever it was that I set out to do.  That or die trying.  The irony of course is that nearly happened.  But, still I am going.  The truth is, a lot of times I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.  I sometimes wonder if other people struggle as much as I do.  Maybe that's just the human condition though.  If that's the case, then we could all use the reminder to keep moving forward.  Life knocks you down - you get back up and keep moving forward.  That's how I choose to live my life anyway.  It might not be easy, but at least I'll always know that today was better than yesterday.  Semper Porro.  

A Year Of Change (Part 2)

     This past year has been tough for me.  Cycling was more than just my dream and my passion.  It was my identity.  I've been riding a bike since I was 3 years old.  I've been pursuing my dream of racing the Tour longer than I've known my wife.  I rode more miles in my 13 years of racing than most people drive.  I shaped my body into a cycling machine.  My legs would get tired if I had to walk more than 100 yards, but I wouldn't even think twice about riding 100 miles.  I worked less so I could ride more.  I was so passionate about my dream that my wife was willing to put aside her ambitions so she could support mine.  When I add it all up, I realize that my sense of self and purpose was entirely wrapped up in cycling.  So, when I crashed, it wasn't just my dream that ended - it was as if I didn't know who I was anymore.

       Immediately after my accident, I knew I needed to change.  I knew I had to find a way to move forward.  If I let myself, I could have gotten stuck trying to hold on to what I had lost.  And, I swore I wouldn't let that happen to me.  Moving forward wasn't so much about living some sort of high minded ideal - moving forward was about survival. When I was younger, I would sometimes get so overwhelmed and depressed that it would paralyze me.  Knowing that about myself, I knew I had to find a way to move forward.  I had to reinvent who I was.
      As hard as this last year was, there was also an undeniable sense of possibility.  I had been so focused on cycling for so long, that when I finally couldn't ride anymore it gave me a lot of time to think about who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do with my life. It felt like being eighteen again with my whole future in front of me.  
      To be honest, I didn't really have any hesitation about what I wanted to do going forward.  I'd always talked about wanting to be a writer ... someday.  It sounds silly, but nearly dying gave me the clarity to realize someday might never come.  There really is no time like the present.  So, I started writing the moment I got back from the hospital.  I also knew that while my future as a cyclist was over, I couldn't just walk away from cycling.  There was still a lot I wanted to accomplish.  After my accident I started coaching a handful of guys.  If I couldn't pursue my dream anymore, at least I could help them achieve theirs.  I had also always promised my wife when cycling was done I would ditch the scrawny T-rex look  (big legs and tiny arms) with funny tan lines and look a little more "like a man", as she put it. 

     When I step back and think about it, wanting to be a writer and a coach sounds a little cliche.  It sounds like the midlife dream of every latte sipping, yuppy who isn't quite ready to let go of their childhood fancies.  It's right up there with wanting to start a coffee shop and sailing around the world (which, for the record, I want to do).  I can't help but notice that most of my generation seems to want to be the next American Idol or Youtube sensation.  Either that or they want to get a sponsorship from Red Bull to be an X Games athlete.  It's like no one wants to work at something.  They just want to make it big.  I know I am guilty of that.   I sometimes get so lost in the clouds that I forget to keep my feet on the ground.  
     Perhaps the biggest change in my life this past year was that I learned to appreciate the day to day things in a way I never had before.  I've been a teacher for the past ten years, but until this last year I never really saw the value in what I was doing.  It always just felt like something I had to do until I was able to do the things I wanted to do.   I always gave it 100% when I was teaching, but at the same time my heart wasn't in it.  Now I am more present in each moment and I also appreciate it more.  I have two daughters and I can't tell you how grateful I am that I get to watch them grow up.  That's something I didn't fully get until a year ago.  Being a father wasn't something I saw as unique or special.  But, I realize now that I had it completely wrong.  There isn't anything more important or special than being present in my girls lives.  I might not be the only father in the world, but I am the only father to my girls.  
       Looking back on this past year, I can't say that I would ever choose to go through everything I did.  But, in a weird sort of way, I am grateful for everything I experienced.  I learned a lot about myself and I have a much clearer sense of my priorities going forward.  I guess when I put everything into perspective I realize that sometimes you have to go backwards in order to keep moving forwards.  

     
     As much as I learned this past year.  It's time to put it behind me and keep moving forward.  I've spent a lot of time talking about my accident and how it's changed me and all that.  But, I am done now.  It's time to focus on the positives in my life going forward.  This past week I spent time in Solvang at a training camp I put together for the guys I coach.  My dream of racing is over, but theirs continue.  My loss is their gain, because I am putting every ounce of focus and preparation and wisdom that I have from my years of racing into them.  Looking ahead, I am excited to see where my new path takes me.  No more looking backward.  My focus from now on will be on my writing, coaching, and most importantly - my family.  Wish me luck.  Semper Porro.  

Semper Porro - Always Forward

A Year Of Change (Part 1)

     I am closing in on a year since I broke my neck.  The obvious thing to talk about would be all the normal platitudes about how grateful I am to be alive and how I have such a great new perspective on life and all that.  Blah, blah, bleh.  The truth is, I don't think this past year has changed me so much as it has sharpened me.  I am a little older now and I feel more focused and determined than ever to go forward.  Something that I've found strangely ironic is that as I am writing this, the Lance Armstrong saga is unraveling.  What is funny is that he was the one who inspired me to start racing all those years ago as a 15 year old watching the Tour de France fly past on the Champs Elysees.  I am left with the realization that my dream of racing the Tour and the person who first inspired me to race have been shattered.  I feel strangely at peace though. Much like my accident, I don't think Lance confessing to doping changes anything for me.  I was in the sport long enough to know the realities of cycling.  I chose never to take drugs.  But I know lots of people who did.  I also don't think my accident changes much for me either.  For sure, it ended one chapter of my life - 13 years worth of devotion to racing - but I am still going to keep going.  Racing is done, but cycling is not.  The dream is still to win the Tour de France.  Lance Armstrong's doping revelations don't change that for me and neither does a broken neck.

     Looking back through my old racing pictures, it makes me think about how much I put into the sport.  I suppose you could get consumed by any hobby, but for me it was everything.  I moved to California specifically so I could pursue cycling and I planned my whole life around it.  It's sometimes hard not to be bitter about what could have been.  But, it was a magical time of life.  I mean, how many people even get a chance to pursue their dreams?  Not many.  I was lucky in a lot of ways.  Besides the fact that I wasn't killed in my accident, I was lucky to have had so many years filled with great experiences before that.  I couldn't have done it without my wife who supported me unconditionally.  My family didn't always understand why I chose this crazy sport, but they supported me anyway.  When all is said and done, they are my real blessing in life.  Whatever else I might feel about cycling, I am grateful for the time I was able to spend doing what I love.
     

   

      What drives me now is the belief that I could have made it as a Pro Athlete.  In many ways, I feel it wasn't my ability so much as my execution that limited me.  My mom used to say that I was more potential than realization.  In a sad sort of way, I agree with her.  I believe I had the potential to make it at the elite level.  But, I didn't know how to put it all together.  At this point, I don't wonder so much about what might have been.  Now I wonder about other people in my same situation.  It's funny, a year ago at this time I was completely focused on the season ahead and how I could continue improving as an athlete.  Now I am thinking about how I can help other people improve.  This past year has been filled with change.  A lot of things in my life are different now, but my dream is still the same.  I want to win the Tour de France.  It won't be me wearing the yellow jersey, but if I can help someone else get there, I will be satisfied.  

People Don't Care

      Something that I've been kicking around my head recently is this notion that people don't care.  It struck me with alarming clarity when I bumped into some cycling friends at a cycling shop.  They had just finished up a hard ride and they were eager to refuel with some coffee and baked goods.  At the time it really struck me how far removed I had become from cycling.  More than that, I realized how tiny and insignificant my place in cycling was.  I stopped riding and most people didn't even notice.  You know what though, it's okay.  It didn't really bother me at the time.  It did make me wake up to the fact that cycling was here before me and it kept right on going after I had smashed into the side of a car.     I can remember over the years hearing stories of people getting seriously hurt - or even killed - and I barely noticed.  You can't think about that sort of thing when you are out riding.  You would just end up being this anxious ball of nerves, always waiting for a car to swerve suddenly or your tire to slip out from under you on a sharp turn.  What's more, you can't live life like that either.  If you let every tragedy, every bad piece of news, and all the suffering in this world weigh on you it would be impossible to function normally.  So, you compartmentalize the bad stuff and block it out.  Things are different, obviously, when it's you who is hit by a car.  To someone else, a bad accident is just another statistic of the dangers of riding a bicycle on the road.  But, to you it's something else.  It's personal.  And when things are bad you think, someone should care!  My dreams and the life that I had built for myself are completely destroyed.  Doesn't anyone notice?  Does anyone care?  Seeing those cyclists back in that coffee shop, it really made me realize that in fact, nobody does.
     I was talking to my brother the other day and he was telling me how he empathizes with the guy who hit me.  And sure, why not?  It was just an accident.  Everyone has done something illegal or stupid at one time or another.  It's not like I am dead.  I am not even paralyzed.  I used to be fairly disdainful of all the lawsuits in America.  I see things a little differently now.  Not hugely different, but a little.  I think the thing that I realize now is the significance of individual accountability.  Every action that you take can have an enormous impact on someone else.  In fact I think most people aren't even aware of the significance of their actions.  Texting while driving doesn't hurt anybody - right?  Ultimately though, each individual affects the whole.  Lawsuits - as distasteful as they sometimes are - are a constant reminder of the individual mandate that we all have to be responsible and accountable for our actions.
       What all of this has led me to is a clarity in my life and how I have moved forward through this past year.    And what a year 2012 was.  It was the hardest year of my life.  Everything is simpler now though.  I am closer with the people who matter and I worry less about everything (and everyone) else.  The world was here before me and it will go on after I am gone.  In the mean time I will focus on my life and make it the best I can.  Even if most people don't care about me, I do.  It's my life and if I don't care about it, why should anyone else?  There are certain things I can't change.  There are certain things I can change.  Now I know the difference.