Priorities

     These past few weeks I've been really up and down.  Nothing bad I guess, but my sleep schedule has been all over the place and I've been alternating back and forth between being sick and being healthy.  Along with all that, my emotions and motivation, and general outlook on life have been really up and down.  One moment everything is fantastic, the next moment I just want to lie in bed and curl up into a little ball.  Of course, there's no chance of that because my girls almost always need something.  There's food to be made and dishes to be washed and messes to be cleaned up.  A week ago it was vomit.  It seemed like every time I turned around one of them was throwing up.  Of course my youngest daughter, who is one year old, wasn't getting it into a bowl or a toilet so I was constantly cleaning up after her.  Let me tell you, vomit doesn't come out of carpet very easily.  It was especially fun when I got sick.  Ugh.

      The thing is, I am not trying to complain.  All of this is just a part of life, but one thing I've noticed since I stopped riding is that I am not as balanced as I used to be.  Cycling was my touchstone in many ways.  I always knew when I had to eat and what I should should be eating.  I exercised regularly (obviously) so that kept me healthy.  I was on a good sleep schedule because I needed to recover as best I could.  Also, I had a direction and goals to pursue so each day moved forward with a sense of purpose.  Now that cycling is gone, I am really struggling to stay on top of all those things.  My sleep is terrible.  I exercise about one tenth the amount I used to.  I eat like crap.  Just yesterday in fact, I had a cup of coffee in the morning and then at 4:00 in the afternoon I realized I hadn't actually eaten anything - so I had a bowl of cereal.  And, we won't even talk about eating chocolate and drinking Bourbon at 2:00 in the morning.  Besides all that, each day seems to blend into the next and I am left wondering exactly what I am supposed to be striving for?  Where is the anchor in my life without cycling?  

     The thing is, I've tried to push forward.  And, on balance I think I've done a good job.  Coaching is going well.  I am making progress on my book.  Life in general seems to be moving forward.  But still, it's not like before.  Everything feels really haphazard.  I think partly I am still just getting used to this new life.  You would think that after all this time I would have gotten used to being away from my bike.  It's still something that I think about though.  Partly I think it's because at this point I could theoretically start riding again if I was willing to accept the heightened risks.  But, I know that it's time to move forward.  Cycling is done with and even if I could go back to riding my bike, racing is over.  Done.  

      Things might be different if I didn't have a family.  It's one thing to risk riding on the road when there is no one depending on you.  It's another when you are married and have two children.  I always knew how closely I flirted with death on a daily basis, but I had gotten so used to the risk that I didn't even think about it.  My accident really hit home the tenuousness of life though.  I wasn't even in a really bad accident, but it still almost killed me.  When I think how often I rode right next to cars that passed inches from me going sixty miles an hour, I am grateful that in all my years riding I wasn't injured worse.  Every day I could have been paralyzed or killed and I never even thought anything of it.  When I think of that, it makes it easier to accept that I can't ride anymore.  

       For the longest time, I always used to say to my wife - you are my highest priority.  In my mind I always knew that if it ever came right down to it, I would choose her over cycling.  When I had my two daughters they too went higher on my list of priorities than cycling.  If you ever asked me what was important to me, I would say family first, cycling second, and everything else after that.  Something I didn't realize though, was that after I became a father, my responsibilities changed.  In the days after my accident it was amazing how clear everything suddenly was.  It wasn't so much that my priorities had changed, but I saw them in a different light.  I had changed over the thirteen years of racing my bike.  I wasn't a boy anymore and it was no longer responsible of me to put myself in harms way.  So, I stopped.  Cold Turkey.  I haven't ridden a bike in almost a year.  Even if my doctor cleared me to ride again I don't know if I would.  I am now fully aware of what I would be risking and have to many responsibilities now to be that careless.  And anyway, now there is no question what my priorities are.  Family first.  And that's it.  Everything else comes second.

     In the mean time, I have to find a way to keep myself balanced without cycling to keep me focused.  This is what normal people do right?  They exercise when they can.  Eat at normal intervals.  And, they find a way to stay balanced without some outside force keeping them in line.  It's up to me now I guess.  In many ways  cycling was a crutch.  Now it's time to move forward without that to help me.  Okay.  I can do this.  I want to do this.  I am excited about this next phase of life.  It's going to be great.  Semper Porro right?

New Normal

    It's closing in on nine months since I broke my neck and I've been reflecting on all that's gone on since then.  I've been so consumed by the day to day that I barely even noticed how dramatically my life has changed.  Now that I don't ride my bike anymore, I have an extra 30 hours or so a week of free time.  In the last few months my wife has decided to pursue her career full time.  It's only fair really.  She's been supportive of me while I pursued cycling during our nine years together.  So, now it's her turn.  Between that and the lack of cycling, I have turned into effectively a stay at home dad.  I am still working, but I am home more than she is these days.  Because of our schedule, I am usually the one to drop off and pick up our daughter from kindergarten each day.   I am usually the only guy there among all the women. Also, because my wife is working more, I've been doing a lot of the cooking, cleaning, and stuff around the house (I think my cooking leaves a little to be desired though).   There is also our one year old daughter to contend with which has kept me very house-bound.  The amount of mental awareness and focus needed to keep track of a one year old in an uncontained space is exhausting.  So, most days I stay in.
     Considering how much of my life had been spent outdoors before my accident, this whole new life I've been living is very weird.  I often long to get out of the house alone.  In many ways, cycling was an escape for me.  It was a way to be out, free and on my own.  Now that that's gone, I find myself staying up till two or three in the morning just so I can get time to myself.  I guess that's one of the things that's surprised me about this whole experience.  Cycling was much more than a way to exercise or even the pursuit of a childhood dream. Partly it was my way of meditating and clearing my head.  It was a way for me to feel good about myself .  I enjoyed setting goals and working towards them.  Also, being home-schooled as a kid, cycling was the one place I felt comfortable socially.  I guess it's easier to feel comfortable about yourself when everyone else looks funny too - what with the shaved legs, funny tan lines, and spandex.  Besides all that, cycling kept me healthy.  Ever since my accident I've had to work really hard to find a way to compensate for all those intangible things that I lost.
     When I think about it, it's amazing how fundamentally different my life is from nine months ago.  I didn't want to dwell on the negative after my accident, so I've been relentlessly pushing forward and moving on with my life.  I want to have accomplished something by the time February 3rd comes around again.  I've made progress on the coaching front.   I am working full time with three athletes who I believe a lot in.  I've also been working away on a book and am writing articles and blogs.  I started running and lifting weights back in August.  The running has been painful, but it's starting to click.  I've had a couple runs now that didn't hurt.  The weight lifting is more straight forward.  I've never lifted weights for my arms before, but I am familiar with it from all my gym work as a cyclist.  I promised my wife that I would bulk up a little after I was done with cycling so I looked less like a concentration camp victim.  Even teaching piano has changed for me.  Before I always saw it as something that helped pay my bills until I turned pro.  Now that I know I won't be racing professionally  I feel I can invest more in my students.   

      In many ways, I feel much more comfortable with the direction my life is going in.  The accident forced me to change directions as well as move forward in areas of my life that were on hold.  I can't say I am completely happy to be going in this new direction, but at the same time I am grateful that I get to keep going forward at all.  It's amazing how close I came to being either dead or paraplegic.  The fact that I get to see my daughters grow up and that I didn't leave them without a dad means so much to me.  In that sense, all I am is grateful.  It's funny, my dad had a back injury of his own right around the time I broke my neck and he has had a long slow recovery.  He said to me this year has been one of the worst years of his life.  I sometimes wonder if he feels that way because his injury was never life threatening.  Maybe you think differently when you know that your injury could have been much more devastating.  
      At this point, I think it's fair to say that I am living a new normal.  I am no longer a cyclist.  Now I am a coach, a writer, and a teacher.  I am more present as a dad and a husband.  I am hopefully even a better person - with more perspective and humility.  Now it's time to see where this new normal will take me.  I want to see some of my athletes win the Tour de France and an Olympic Gold medal.  I want to finish my book and get is published.  I want to see some of piano students make it in the music profession.  I want to see my daughters grow up and make lives of their own.  I want to keep making each day better than the last.  That is my new life.  And you know what, it's not a bad one.       


     

Aches and Pains

     Moving forward isn't without its aches and pains.  My body has mostly healed from my crash, but now I have new things to deal with.  Thousands of hours on my bike had shaped my body into a highly specialized cycling machine.  Riding fifty miles felt like nothing, but even walking half a mile left my legs tired and sore.  My body was oddly proportioned too.  Compared to the average American male I was completely backwards with skinny little twig arms and massive thighs.  My wife used to call me T-Rex.  Now that I am not cycling any more though, I am transitioning to different forms of exercise.  That involves lifting weights and running.  All this change has left me in constant pain.  My feet and knees are constantly aching and swollen. I've gotten blisters where I never thought I would before.  My arms and shoulders feel dead.  There have been times when all this change just frustrates me.  I try not to think about it, but in my weakest moments I long to get back on a bike (and feel the miles slip effortlessly away as I glide over the road).  More than that, I wonder if I am pushing myself too hard.  Should I be doing all this while I am still recovering from a broken neck?  But, I keep pressing on.  There's no choice really.  I can't go back to cycling.  So the only thing to do is go forward.  
     The truth of the matter is, there's always going to be something.  If I let the aches and pains bother me, I probably wouldn't exercise at all.  It's much more comfortable to sit on the couch.  I have to keep moving though.  At some point I am hoping my body will get used to my new exercise routine.  Right now when I run, every stride is painful.  I feel pathetic when I do push-ups.  I am getting stronger though.  Last week I ran 7 miles, which was a big achievement for me.  I can do more than 5 push-ups now too.  
     The hardest part of all this is exercising when I don't want too.  I loved riding my bike.  I don't feel that same love for running, or lifting weights, or anything for that matter though.  I wonder if it will come in time?  For now, I have a schedule and I try to stick to it.  It's not a lot of exercise - only one to two runs a week.  And, my weight routine consists of push-ups and lifting cinder blocks once a week.  Still, it's something to keep me active.  I want to run a marathon before February.  And, I'd like to look a little less like concentration camp victim up top.  Keeping those goals in mind is what gets me moving when I don't want to.  I may not love these new exercises, but I can still set goals for myself and pursue them.  After all, that's how we move forward in life. 
     So, I am going to keep going.  Semper Porro right?  If I can keep moving forward, despite breaking my neck and having my life completely changed, what are a few aches and pains.

I bought a new pair of shoes to run in.  My old ones were dead and if I am going to run a marathon, I figure good shoes are essential.  Hopefully they will help with the aches and pains.  

Onward

     It's funny, but for a long time there I was wondering when I would finally be free from dealing with the fallout from my accident.  I often wondered if I would know when I was finally back to normal, or if it would be such a gradual process that I would wake up one morning and realize I'd been doing good for awhile.  What I discovered is it's like falling in love.  You know when you know.  At this point I can finally say that I am doing good.    
     I can tell you exactly when things changed.  It was the day after my six month check up.  The doctor cleared me to exercise again and that night I went out for a run.  That was when I was able to let go and move on.  Nor more wondering about cycling and what could have been.  I was just out free - reveling in the pain in my legs and lungs.  
     It's funny, after my accident I kept searching for ways to make myself hurt.  I wanted to fill up the emptiness inside with something.  I tried drinking.  That didn't do much more than blunt the edge of my emptiness.  I tried sleeping less.  At least when I was really tired I felt something.  I could fight against drowsiness.  Otherwise, there was nothing to fight - nothing to push against.  Considering how hard I've been pushing my whole life, having nothing in front of me felt like tumbling into an abyss.  
     I realize now how important exercise is to me.  It is my drug.  I suppose that's why I didn't bother with alcohol or street racing my car with friends when I was younger.  I didn't need to.  Since my accident though I've come to realize that people probably do those sorts of things because they want to feel something.  Without cycling I felt lost.  But, it's time to move on now.  I am alive and I can still walk.  In fact, I've been running a lot lately.  Every week I go a little farther on my runs.  I want to do a Marathon before my one year anniversary.  So, for now running is my drug, but who knows what I might take up in the future.  Probably not kickboxing though.           
     I guess the point of writing all this was to help keep me moving forward.  I knew I didn't want to get stuck feeling sorry for myself.  I'm in a good space now though.  There are still things to take care of.  My spine isn't completely healed yet and just yesterday I had a piece of glass taken out of my leg from when I smashed through the van window.  But, I feel like I am ready to put this experience in the rear-view mirror and move on with my life.  

     Now that I've picked myself up and pushed through this whole mess, I can't help but wonder what's in store for me next.  Thirteen years ago on the Champs Elysees my life changed forever.  Until that moment I could never have guessed what cycling would mean to me and how it would change my life.  In the same way, who knows what's in store for me next.  All I can do is give a hundred percent in whatever I am doing at the moment.  Right now that means spending time with family.  It's the simple things in life right?  Like tickling my one year old daughter and hearing her laugh.  Or, dropping off my oldest daughter for her first day of Kindergarten.  I am glad I am still around to be doing those sorts of things.  Life is a blessing.  It's only now that I really get that.  

Take An Action

     In the last few weeks I've had a couple people comment that I seem depressed.  Well, yeah.  It's hard not to be depressed when your whole life has been turned upside down.  One moment I was going full speed ahead in life and then the next moment I was brought to a very violent and complete stop - both literally and figuratively.   It's unbelievably hard to handle such an abrupt change.  For one, the complete lack of exercise left me with endorphin withdrawals.   Also, when I go out in traffic now I find myself keenly aware of every stupid idiot who feels the need to text while they are driving or make a move without thinking.  Most people don't realize how fragile life is.  I know only too well though how close we are to dying on a daily basis.  At any moment someone could swerve suddenly, or a tire could blow out going around a curve, or some random gunman could come into your movie theater and start shooting.  It's a scary world we live in. For awhile after my accident I didn't even want to leave the house.  Being in the car scared me. Besides all that, my dreams and everything that I had been working towards for years was destroyed. One split second completely changed my life.  So yeah, I am a little depressed.  

     I think I am coming to terms with all this though.  What are the five steps to grief?  Denial?  Yeah, I remember that.  It was a split second after the accident and I was like shit this just ruined the rest of my ride.  Then I was like, there goes the start to my season.  Then I was like, maybe I wont even be able to race for several months.  About a second after that came anger.  I remember saying out loud, "what the fuck" several times.  Like seriously, what the hell just happened?  One moment you are riding along.  The next moment you are inside a van on a carpet of shattered glass with a broken neck.  In the Hospital after my surgery I knew it was all over.  But, I couldn't help asking my doctor and my wife, "can I ride again".  I knew what the answer was though even before I asked it.  There was no point in bargaining really.  It was over.  And, ever since has been a steady depression.  So there you go: denial, anger, bargaining, and depression.  

      My depression has been diminishing steadily.  I actually tried to keep myself from feeling depressed for a long time.  I wrote a book and started coaching within days after my accident.  I kept myself busy with work and looking after my infant daughter.  Plus there were money issues and my brothers wedding to think about.    I had a lot of drinks.  Although I only got drunk once.  I also ate a lot of junk food.  I guess it was all those years of sacrifice and dieting catching up with me.  It was weird to eat a pint of ice cream with absolutely zero guilt.  To be honest I didn't really feel depressed.  I was too busy.  The depression was there though.  Lurking.  Whenever I slowed down or got a little tired I felt myself getting sad.  Whenever that happened I tried to push it as far away from me as possible and focus on what I had, rather than what I didn't have anymore.  

     Every now and again I would get absolutely walloped by emotion out of the blue.  I might see a cyclist go past on the street or hear about a race from a friend.  I even came to resent it when the weather was beautiful.  On days like that, all I wanted was to be outside riding my bike.   To be honest I haven't gone outside since my accident much.  Seeing the Tour de France on TV felt like a punch in the gut.  Knowing that I would never get to race down the Champs Elysees just left me feeling empty.  I only cried a few times though.  In fact, I think I've kept it together pretty well.  I promised myself that I wouldn't let this break me.  What's more, I wasn't going to bring the people around me down.  Everyone is going through enough troubles of their own.  So, I put on a good face and endured.  What can I say, I am good at enduring.    

     After my accident I promised myself I wouldn't go into a tailspin.  Yet despite my best efforts, I guess I have been a little depressed.  You know what though, that's okay.  You can't suddenly move on when the thing you've been building towards for thirteen years gets destroyed.  It's more than that even, because I've been riding a bike for twenty five years.  And now it's gone.  You don't just get over that in a day.  A little depression is understandable.  What's more, I think I am entitled to a little.  

      Talking to my mom, she suggested I take an action to help me get over this.  The thing is, I have taken an action already.  In fact, I've taken many.  Writing this blog is one of the many things I've done to move past this.  I find writing cathartic.  Yesterday I rearranged my office on the spur of the moment after doing some research on a Feng Shui article.  I also got rid of a bunch of dead plants on my patio that had been sitting there for months.  When I think about it, it's not just one action that is needed to move myself past all of this.  It is many.  Each action I take is another step away from racing my bicycle and that diminishes the pain a little.  Watching the Olympics made me a little sad - I know how much those athletes put into what they are doing and I am a little envious of them.  But, I was only a little sad.  The time to be an elite athlete is over and I am ready to move on.  I guess that's what you would call acceptance.    

Perspective

     It's amazing how perception shapes reality.  Yesterday I found myself slipping towards despondency as the frustration of several things weighed in on me.  Money is one of the big worries on my mind lately.  That's nothing unusual I suppose.  It's just part of the human condition.  The thing that I have been struggling with in particularly lately are my physical restrictions.  On a gorgeous day like yesterday I just wanted to be outside.  But between my neck and my daughter (who has a strict nap schedule to keep) I ended up stuck inside.  It's always something I guess.  How many of us get to live life exactly the way we want it?  There's always one thing or another pulling us this way or that.  Work, responsibilities, money limitations, and all that keep us from truly living the life we want to.  Yet, at the same time, who am I to complain?  Just this morning I was reading some of the world news and I thought to myself, "wow -  you've got it really good compared with a lot of people."  As I said, it's all about perspective.  Looking outside right now, the sky is a gorgeous shade of robins egg blue.  I can hear kids playing on the playground.  And, I am reminded what a wonderful world I live in.  
     Writing this helps me.  Semper Porro.  That's my pledge to always keep moving forward. Of course, the tricky part is being careful not to lose sight of the present.  I often find myself comparing the present moment to my hope for the future.  In my ideal future I have more money, more time, more freedom, more health, more everything really.  It's hard not to wish myself into the future.  When I get like that, I try to be mindful of how much I have already. I can't live in the future and I don't want to dwell on the past.  I guess the best way of looking at it would be to try and make today better than yesterday and not worry so much about tomorrow.  Part of that means to be more appreciative and graceful today than I was yesterday.  Take today as it is and recognize how precious this moment is.  Okay, I am starting to sound overly philosophical and annoying.  Deep breath.  Okay.  Enjoy the moment.  Be aware of what you have.  Make the most of it.  Try to make today better than yesterday.  I can do that.  

Keeping It All In Balance

     One of the things I find myself constantly struggling with is finding balance.  There are so many things to do in a day.  And, truth be told, I get easily distracted.  In many ways, I think my problem has to do with staying in the present moment.  I am often lost in thought, thinking about the future or a problem that is bothering me.  Kate - my dear wife - is often getting mad at me for not paying attention when we are talking.  That's the thing, I am trying to keep so many things up in the air, that I often lose sight of what is important.  So, how do you stay balanced?
      I suppose a good first step is keeping my priorities straight.  Family is probably number one.  Okay, note to self.  Make Kate, Chloe and Te'a more of a priority.  Also, remember to call Mom and Dad regularly.  And oh yeah, stay in contact with siblings.  They are super important.  Don't forget friends either.  Second priority, be healthy.  Without the day to day reminder of cycling, it's easy to let myself slip into an unhealthy lifestyle.  Now, if I am a few pounds heavier, it doesn't make the slightest bit of difference.  Of course that's is slippery slope.  Oh yeah, I also need to make some money.
      I think money is the one thing that I could stand to focus on a little more in this next phase of life.  It's always been my last priority.  Probably because I think it's the least important of the things I just mentioned.  Now that I think about it though, I suppose there is a difference between the importance of things and the order of things.  Money may be the least important of my priorities, but it should be the first.
     Besides all the big stuff, there are all the day to day things to think of - like sleeping, eating, doing the dishes, changing diapers, etc.  It's hard to keep track of it all.  And, then there are things like writing e-mails and responding to texts and all that.  Kate says I need more boundaries.  Otherwise I end up being distracted all day and night.  I think I need to be more organized.  I need to keep my priorities straight and have clear ideas of what goes where and when I should do this or that.  I guess I never realized how much I relied on cycling to provide a sense of structure and purpose in my life.  Now I have to learn to live without it.
       When I stop for a moment and think about it, my family really should be what I build my life around.  I can set my schedule based on what works for them.  Everything I do now going forward should be about making a better life for all of us.  I guess the only way to find balance is to know what your balancing and where all your priorities are.  If I can stay balanced, I can keep moving forward.  Hopefully it's like riding a bike, the faster you go, the easier it is to balance.  Here is hoping.